Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
A Mercurial 14-Month-Old | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My 14-month-old son is happy and playful at daycare, except when I go to visit at lunchtime. Then he becomes very clingy, cries, and screams (and I'm not even leaving). At home, he gets very upset when we try to put him in the highchair--he throws his food and only wants to eat while sitting on my lap or while crawling on the floor. Any thoughts or suggestions?
— First-Time Mom in Bethesda, MD | | | ANSWER |
October 30, 2000 | | | Dear First-Time Mom,
Toddlers are notorious for acting in ways that seem to make no sense from an adult's perspective. Your son's puzzling behavior is a case in point. Why would he cry when you're there, but not when you're gone?
Here are some questions that might help you solve this riddle:
Does your son cry and protest for a long time when you leave him at daycare in the morning? If so, it may be that he is still having a hard time handling separations--a very common problem in toddlers. Look on our site under Emotions for suggestions on helping your child learn how to handle separations.
How do you usually handle saying goodbye? Parents are often tempted to sneak away when they leave their children at daycare or with a sitter. Doing this may avoid a scene, but in the long run, it's a mistake because a child will come to expect (and fear) that any minute his mother or father will just disappear. This just makes him clingy and irritable. It's much better to say "bye-bye" with a smile and a hug.
Does your child tend to have a lot of tantrums? Some children learn that crying and screaming are very effective ways to get intense parental attention. Many tenderhearted parents inadvertently reinforce this because they can't bear to see their children upset. In these cases, it helps if parents increase the level of attention that they give their children when playing together, while at the same time acting in a calmer way when they are upset. This is hard for the parents at first because they don't really feel calm at all. But once they get the knack of giving low-key reassurance to their upset toddlers, the tantrums tend to subside. For more on this, see our section on tantrums in toddlers.
Finally, does your child have just one or two areas of puzzling, upsetting behavior (such as crying during lunch visits), or are there many parts of his day when he is upset or uncomfortable, or when his behavior makes you feel that way? When children and families have to face several problems at the same time, it's more likely that everyone will benefit from the help of a behavioral professional--either a behaviorally oriented physician, psychologist, social worker, or therapist. If you've tried some things to help your child and they haven't worked, don't be shy to ask for guidance. Toddlers are often tough for parents to figure out, but rarely (if ever!) impossible.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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