Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
An 'Incomplete' Family | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My seven-year-old daughter approached me last night and said "Mom we are an incomplete family. There's a mommy, a sissy, and a bubba, but what about the blank space. Daddy married that other woman and now we need a man around the house. I want a step daddy now." What do I say to her? Most of the people I hang with are guys because I am more comfortable around them. I don't know what to do what if she goes to one of them and ask them?— Vixen in Iowa | | | ANSWER |
February 8, 2002 | | | Dear Vixen,
You have a bright daughter. It's great that she is able to put her feelings into words so that you can deal with them directly. Children very much want their families to be "normal." The worst thing, from their point of view, is to be different, because different means "bad." So, your daughter needs to hear that your family is not incomplete. There are lots of kinds of families. Some have fathers and mothers, others just have fathers, others just have mothers or grandmothers, and some even have two mothers or fathers. These families are all "complete."
You might start by asking your daughter why she feels that you need a man around the house. Don't be surprised if she answers something unexpected, like, "So someone can cut the grass." Even if you always cut the grass yourself, and your daughter knows that you do, she still might have gotten the idea that "daddies cut the grass." You got a lawn, you need a man! Believe it or not, this makes sense in a seven-year-old sort of way.
This also is a good opportunity to teach your daughter something about love and marriage. For example, you might say, "When I find a man who I love, and who loves me back, then we might decide to get married. But until then, we'll be a good family just the three of us." There are two lessons here: 1) marriage is about love and commitment and 2) it's an adult decision.
You might talk with your guy friends about your daughter's ideas and questions, so that they aren't thrown off balance if she asks them to volunteer to be the man of the family. It can be cute when young children show an interest in adult romance, but everyone feels happier and more secure when the adults draw the limits pretty clearly--no questions are out of bounds, but adults (not children) take care of the adult decisions.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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