Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Fight, Flight, or Handling Things Right: Conflict-Resolution Techniques | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I need to know how to teach my nine-year-old son how to stand up for himself. If a fight occurs at school, how do I teach him to defend himself? If he hits back, he will be in trouble with teachers. If I tell him to avoid these kinds of kids and situations, how will he learn to resolve conflict? I am caught between teaching him to be a sissy or a telling him to fight. What is the proper parenting technique?— Debbie in Houston | | | ANSWER |
October 23, 2000 | | | Dear Debbie,
You ask a very good question. I think you can do three things to help your son. First, you can work hard to make certain that his school is a safe place where fighting is not tolerated, and where children are taught to resolve conflicts peacefully. It is the grown-ups' responsibility to create safe, supportive environments for their children, and there are many good sources for conflict-resolution workshops for students and teachers. Of course, changing a school is difficult. But even if you're not completely successful right away, you will be setting an important example for your son by demonstrating your real commitment to peace.
Second, you need to help your son to think creatively about the problem. When and where are the fights taking place? With whom? About what issues? When confronted with an aggressive peer, what options does he have, other than fighting or completely giving in? Help him to think through several different ways to defuse the conflict. For example, he can say, "I don't want to fight; fighting's not allowed" or "We can solve this without fighting-it'll only get us both in trouble." Make sure he understands that fighting is a sign of weakness, not strength.
If there is one particular child who is picking on your son, some adult-level diplomacy with the principal and the child's parents might be necessary. With young children, parents need to step in to help resolve bully problems. Children who are left alone to deal with bullies often learn the wrong lessons, adopting either very aggressive or very submissive behaviors. Neither of these lessons is helpful in the long run.
Third, if your child is physically small, or temperamentally meek, he may be singled out to be a victim. In addition to your efforts to change the environment and support your child's conflict-solving abilities, you may want to find a karate class or a weight-training coach. These activities may build up his confidence and make him a less attractive victim.
Many parents feel that children need to learn to fight in order to prepare them to face life's hard knocks. There is some truth to this. In some communities and in some lines of work, a man who doesn't have ready fists may be at a disadvantage. But most of us grown-ups get along perfectly well without ever resorting to physical violence. The battles we fight are battles of ideas. Ultimately, people who are armed with ideas and an ability to persuade others are much more powerful than those who can only punch or kick.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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