Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
|
|
 Ask Dr. Needlman
Toddler Is Aggressive, but Not Angry | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I've read all your information about aggression in toddlers but don't feel it adequately answers my query. My two-year-old son Jonathon's aggression is not really anger--he laughs and thinks it's funny to smack things and bash things about. It's more habit than anything, I think. I just need some ideas as to how to communicate to him that it's not acceptable. Here's an example: He picked up a heavy object and threw it onto a table at a luncheon the other day, spilling glasses, spraying punch up a lady's shirt, and breaking something. I was mortified. He was hardly out of my reach. Is this a normal toddler behavior that we just have to work through? He doesn't seem to understand "time out" yet. It has had no effect and it's almost impossible to keep him there! Thanks.— DJWSMom | | | ANSWER |
February 6, 2002 | | | Dear DJWSMom,
I suspect that you are right: your son is not angry when he throws and breaks things. Rather, he is excited! And it is exciting to make big noises, and to do something that gets everyone's attention and causes lots of uproar. A two-year-old may not be able to understand the full consequences of his actions, for example, that once a bowl or glass is broken, it's ruined for good. Perhaps he can tell that you are not happy with what he's done, but in the excitement of the moment, he gets carried away and forgets the rules. It's normal for two-year-olds to forget the rules of behavior--after all, they have just learned them, and it often takes time for rules to sink in.
You are describing a child who has a temperament that might be called difficult or (as I prefer) challenging or interesting. He tends to get excited and lose control. He expresses his feelings with great intensity. He may have a high threshold for responding to noises or other stimuli (in other words, it may take a lot of noise to startle him, with normal everyday sounds barely making an impression). All of these traits are inborn, not learned.
Although you didn't make your son the way he is (except, perhaps, through your genes), you still have to deal with his temperament. Since you can't change him into a quiet, well-behaved little person, the goals should be to accept his temperament, allow him to express his love for crashing and bashing things, but teach him limits, including where and when that behavior is and is not acceptable.
For example, make sure you go outside as much as weather permits, to give your son a time and place where he can burn off energy acceptably. If possible, set up a rough-play room where it's ok to race around, and stock it with some toys that are OK for throwing. Instead of time outs in a chair (most active two-year-olds have trouble sitting, even for the recommended two minutes!), try a playpen for a little more containment or (if you are on the verge of "losing it" yourself, send your child to the rough-play room. Try to set up your home so that there aren't any valuable, breakable items where your child can get at them. Although it is inconvenient to have to box-up your breakable treasures, remember that this stage does not last forever: In a few years, your son's behavior is likely to be much more under control, even though he may still be very active and excitement-loving.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
|
