Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Explaining 'Naughty' Language to a Six-Year-Old | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
How much information should I give to my six-year-old regarding the meaning of "naughty" language? A few months ago, my son Ethan came home from a friend's house to tell me that his friend Alex had taught him a very, very, VERY bad word (the "f" word).
I told him that like "shut up," "poopy head," and other naughty words we didn't want to hear him use that word. Then came the inevitable question: Why is it such a bad word? Clearly, my explanation that it is a word that upsets people (especially his grandparents) didn't quite cut it.
My reluctance to answer the question more forthrightly isn't completely due to an inability to discuss sex... I have explained to Ethan how babies are made albeit using pretty euphemistic language (i.e. Mommy and Daddy have a special hug). Any suggestions? The question comes up every time that "really bad" word comes out of Ethan's mouth.— Rebecca in Concord, New Hampshire | | | ANSWER |
March 8, 2001 | | | Dear Rebecca,
I believe you that your difficulty does not arise from any particular squeamishness about sex. The truth is, there really is no good explanation for why some words are rude or coarse and others aren't. The particular word in question is not rude because it refers to sex, any more than "shut up" is rude because it refers to closing your mouth. It's just rude.
A lot of six-year-olds are satisfied by concrete explanations like, "This is a bad word just because it is." Ethan is more sophisticated than that. I suppose you could give him a long-winded explanation about how word meanings are socially constructed and change over time and how society agrees to make some words bad because it serves a purpose to have them be bad (for example, if you really want to make someone angry at you).
But I suspect that the real root of his question lies elsewhere. By asking what is essentially an unanswerable question, Ethan gets to enjoy the spectacle of you wracking your brains to come up with an answer. He's clearly a bit excited by words of power (and swear words are powerful in the way they get parents to respond!), and asking tough questions lets him enjoy talking and thinking about them with you.
I think it's OK to let Ethan know that there are certain things that just are frowned on by society, even though no one seems to have a good explanation for why that is so. You might think of several other examples (such as why it's ok to pick your nose in the bathroom but not in the classroom; why burping is considered rude, etc.). Then simply set the limits as you have done and let Ethan know that you expect him to abide by them.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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