Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
|
|
 Ask Dr. Needlman
"Spoiled" Two-Year-Old | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My boyfriend's two-year-old is uncontrollable. She is constantly demanding "up, up, up," and will throw a fit unless he does it. We went to a birthday party where she knew most of the kids, but she just wanted to find daddy and have him hold her. When he wakes up in the morning (he sleeps in just shorts), she demands, "Put a shirt on," and he does. When reprimanded, she cries. When given attention, she cries. I find this spoiled behavior pathetic. What can I do? (The mother is the same way.)
— Laureen | | | ANSWER |
October 19, 2000 | | | Dear Laureen,
Although the situation you describe sounds simple enough -- a "spoiled" two-year old -- it probably is much more complex. Since I haven't met any of you, I can't really address the particulars in this case, but it might help if you consider some general developmental issues and the family as a whole.
Very often, around the ages of 18-30 months, children go through a clingy period in which they seem especially upset about being separated from their parents. Children who tend to respond anxiously to new situations have a harder time dealing with separation than more outgoing children; recent research suggests that this is often a matter of genetic disposition. Children who have experienced a significant loss also have a difficult time in these situations. In your case, since you mention that you are the girlfriend, I'm assuming that the parents are separated or divorced, which often entails a sense of loss for the child.
Well-meaning parents may reinforce controlling behavior on the part of their children by being too tenderhearted. Sometimes they find it very hard to say "no" because they believe that their child is especially vulnerable to disappointment. They may feel that their child is genuinely scared or in need, rather than just being controlling. And this, in fact, might be true if the child has experienced unusual losses or stresses.
Taking a step back, it seems to me that the whole family is facing a tough situation here. This girl's behavior irritates you, and I suspect that you also are irritated by her father and mother's apparent inability to make her behave. She is making seemingly unreasonable demands on your boyfriend's time and energy. In a sense, she is a rival for his affection. He, in turn, may feel torn between the two of you. Finally, both he and the mother may be feeling guilty about the divorce, making them more inclined to indulge their child.
Understanding all the family dynamics in this situation probably will require some long discussions between you and your boyfriend, and perhaps with the girl's mother as well. If these don't lead to a comfortable resolution, you might consider getting professional counseling. Sometimes it takes a wise therapist (social worker, psychologist, doctor, clergy, etc.) to help untie these tangled knots.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
|
