Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Bossy Granddaughter Has No Friends | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My seven-year-old granddaughter has run off all of her playmates because she has to always get her way. No one wants to play with her because of her demanding, ruling attitude. Help!— Frustrated Grandmother in Memphis, TN | | | ANSWER |
October 14, 2000 | | | Dear Frustrated Grandmother,
Having friends is very important for children, and behavior that results in losing all of their friends is truly a serious problem. Many children your granddaughter's age are content to have only one or two friends, but no friends at all sounds very lonely. I imagine that she feels sad about not having friends, and puzzled about why this is happening to her.
There are many reasons why children act in over-controlling or bossy ways. Every child (and every adult, too!) wants his own way all of the time. Most learn that they have to give in sometimes, or the playing stops. Children who tend to be more impulse driven have a harder time controlling the urge to boss, and pout if they don't get their way. Other children feel very uncomfortable unless they are running the show.
Perhaps you could find another child, preferably one who will stick up for her rights, and arrange some play dates. Talk with your granddaughter beforehand about not always needing to be the leader, and explain that letting the other person have her way sometimes will help her keep friends. Keep the play dates short so that your granddaughter won't have to control her natural impulses for too long, and praise her when she succeeds. You might want to discreetly supervise the play dates so you can gently nudge your granddaughter in the right direction if she starts acting bossy.
If this straightforward approach doesn't help, you might consider getting help from a therapist, social worker, or behavioral pediatrician. Sometimes a child's overbearing behavior is a sign of deepening troubles that a professional can identify and treat so that she has a more satisfying social life, now and in the future. — by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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