Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
In Love at Age Four | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My four-year-old daughter is in preschool and has a "boyfriend." She comes home and tells me she loves him and that they hold hands and hug during the day. The teachers are keeping an eye on them to make sure it doesn't go any further, but how do I address this issue at home? I have already explained that she shouldn't kiss boys on the lips, that only mommys and daddys do that. Is that the right thing to say? I just don't know how to handle this before it gets out of hand.— Momhemler | | | ANSWER |
January 17, 2002 | | | Dear Momhemler,
While most four year olds don't develop such close relationships, some do. I think of this as a sign that a child is especially well developed in the area of social relationships--in a sense, "gifted." Often, such children go on to be quite successful socially. Being able to make a close relationship with another child at age four is a positive thing and nothing to worry about.
Also, I would not be too concerned about sex. What a four-year-old calls love is surely different from love at 14 or 40, because four-year-olds are not sexually mature. They like each other, feel happy when together, and may like to touch physically--usually holding hands or hugging, as you describe, and sometimes kissing. These are all expressions of love that they have learned at home from their parents.
Young children, from age four to about six or seven, often have an interest in checking out each others' bodies. Playing doctor is normal, and it's different from the feeling of love, and also different from the sexual exploration of teenagers. (You can read more about children's sexual development at sexual development.)
Your advice about the right way to kiss boys seems sound to me. You gave your daughter a specific rule, which tells her what is OK for her to do, and what is not OK. I don't think that you have to worry that things will get out of hand sexually, in the way that teenage love often does. Love between preschoolers can be quite strong, but normally does not include mature sexual behavior.
The one concern I would have is that such a close relationship would become exclusive--that your daughter would only play with her one special friend. This is a concern, by the way, that has nothing to do with the sex of the children. Children benefit from interacting with a lot of different children. So, a wise teacher might decide to encourage your daughter and her friend to play with other children some of the time.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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