Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Playing Doctor | | | QUESTION | | | | Our neighbor boy is 5 years old, and every time he plays with our 5-year-old son, he asks our son to pull his pants down. We have talked to his parents (they are good friends of ours), and they have talked to their son, but he keeps doing it. We have told our son to come tell us when it happens, and he has done so. We already have made a rule that they are not allowed to play unsupervised. Should we be concerned about this type of behavior? Is it normal? (By the way, the little boy admits to his behavior and seems to know it's wrong and feels ashamed.) — Concerned Mom | | | ANSWER |
October 11, 2000 | | | I think that it's normal for boys and girls who are 4, 5, and 6 years old to be very interested in their bodies, particularly their private parts. They are aware of the differences between boys and girls and men and women, and are very involved in figuring out their own sexual identities. Some amount of exploration with other children of either sex (often called "playing doctor") is really expected and normal.
It's also reasonable for parents to put limits on this behavior. They can explain to their young children that certain parts of the body are private, and that means you don't show them to other people except under certain circumstances (e.g., in the doctor's office). They don't have to explain why, just mention it matter-of-factly as one of those rules that exists for polite, proper behavior.
From the standpoint of your own son, I think you are handling the situation well. You've set a reasonable limit for his behavior, and you are enforcing it. The more matter-of-fact you can be, the more comfortable your son will feel that he has not done anything wrong. Children do best when they can understand the rules about privacy without feeling that their bodies are something to be ashamed of.
Your son's friend has been told that his behavior is inappropriate, and yet he persists in his exploring game. When he's confronted, he feels bad and promises to stop. But the next time the opportunity to satisfy his sexual curiosity arises, the temptation is too great. This persistent interest may be completely normal, or it might reflect an uncomfortable preoccupation with sex. Young children who have been exposed to sexual material of an adult nature sometimes have a lot of anxious feelings about sex. They may focus on genital exploration to the exclusion of other activities, or feel compelled to compare their own genitals to other children's to make sure they're okay. Of course, I don't know if any of these factors apply to your son's friend, but if his parents are concerned, they should seek consultation with a physician or a psychologist. Timely intervention by a trained therapist can be very helpful for children who have a great deal of anxious feelings about their sexuality.
Finally, a word about sexual abuse. Nothing in your case really suggests this, but it's something that parents often worry about. Children who have been sexually abused sometimes feel compelled to re-enact adult sexual acts. Usually this is not just a matter of playing doctor.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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