Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Teenage Daughter Wants to Live with Her 'Real' Father | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
What do you do when your 14-year-old daughter wants to move in with her real father? He has not been involved in her life and has never paid his child support. His parents spend time with my daughter in the summer and they let her see her father. I?m so mad because my husband and I have raised her and now he wants to take her. She really wants to go and I don't know what to do! Please help!— Losing My Daughter in Limestone,TN | | | ANSWER |
October 1, 2001 | | | Dear Losing My Daughter,
If you have legal custody of your daughter, then the decision is yours to make. While she is still a minor, you have the responsibility to make decisions that you feel are in her best interest. You might decide that she will have to stay with you, and perhaps visit with her father for periods of time. You could also decide that it is important for your daughter to learn about her biological father, and there is no better way to learn than to actually live under his care. Of course, you would need to be confident that he would take good care of her, keep her safe, see to her schooling, and so on.
This may be a hard decision for you to make. You might want to collect as much information as you can: What does the father say about this? How prepared is he, really, to take over responsibility for your daughter? What sort of home, neighborhood, and schools would your daughter be moving into. Also, talk with your daughter about the issue. It's helpful for her to know up front that as the parent, you will be making the final decision. At the same time, you are interested in what she has to say on the matter.
Try to listen without letting emotions of anger or hurt get in the way. There are good reasons why a daughter might want to live with her father, that have nothing to do with rejecting the mother. It's also normal for teens to want to break away from their families, and assert their independence. Your daughter may see the move as a way to do this. Having a child pull away in this manner is painful, but the loss is usually temporary. At some point, when they have matured, most former teens reestablish close relationships with their parents. If you remain emotionally available to your daughter, it may be easier for this reunion to take place.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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