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 Ask Dr. Jana
Not As Attached to the Second Child | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Jana,
We just had our second child, a beautiful girl. Our first is an outgoing two-year-boy, and being his father, he is the light of my eye. The problem is that when my daughter arrived, I did not have the same feelings of attachment that I did with my son. This is really getting under my skin, and I'm starting to feel inadequate as a father. I am generally a very loving person, but this worrying has put a small barrier between my daughter and myself. Is this normal? I know this sounds drastic, but will I ever have that feeling of attachment? Any advice would help calm the nerves. Thanks for your time!— Worried Dad in Anaheim Hills, CA | | | ANSWER |
August 1, 2001 | | | Dear Worried Dad,
I am very glad you have written in, not only for your own sake, but for the sake of many other parents who are too embarrassed to admit that they don't have the same feelings for their later-born children that they did for their first.
I can tell you that it is not uncommon for a parent to feel differently about a second (or third, etc.) child than he did about the first. There are no two ways about the fact that your first child will always symbolize your entry into parenthood--when everything about having a baby was novel and exciting. Not only does that save him a special place in your heart, but also you now have the benefit of seeing your older child developing into an outgoing and unique person. Many parents have a hard time "starting over" with a newborn after experiencing what lays ahead and just don't seem to get the same excitement out of a coo or a hiccup once they've got a walking, talking toddler to play and interact with. In addition, it is not uncommon for parents to have different feelings for their sons than they do for their daughters. Still others find themselves less attached to the second than the first simply because they feel the pressures and increasing demands of becoming responsible for a larger family.
That said, I am reassured by the fact that you are honest about your feelings and have taken the time to write us. I suggest you ask yourself if your feelings are simply based on finding less satisfaction in taking care of a newborn--who is less "outgoing" than your son. If so, then all you have to do is remind yourself that with the same sort of love and devotion you've shown your son, your daughter will also develop into a wonderful, unique individual.
If, however, you are truly finding it difficult to make any sort of true attachment with your daughter despite making the effort and allowing for some adjustment time, please do not hesitate to discuss your feelings with a trained health professional.
Best of luck to you and your family, and congratulations.— by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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