Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Telling Preschooler about Her Biological Father | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I'm a divorced mother of a two-year-old girl. I divorced my child's biological father when I was seven months pregnant because he was found guilty of raping minor children. When he gets out of prison he will be labeled as a sexual predator. He is not allowed to contact us. Since the divorce, I've met a wonderful man who loves my daughter very much and plans on adopting her when we are married. My daughter calls my husband-to-be daddy. Should I tell my daughter about her biological father?— Concerned in Westlake, Ohio | | | ANSWER |
December 19, 2001 | | | Dear Concerned.
What a sad history you tell. I can well understand the desire to pretend that it had never happened. But I am also convinced that you have to tell your daughter the truth. You don't have to tell her all at once, or harshly. But you do have to tell her. The harm that would come to her and to your relationship with her if she found out some other way, and the anxiety that you would have to live with, worrying about whether or when she would find out, are just too great.
You certainly don't have to give her the full story right from the start. That would be overwhelming, and she would have no way of understanding it. But you need to start, while she is still quite young, telling her the story of how she came to be.
The story you tell might go something like this: "When you were born, your daddy (refering to her adoptive father) and I didn't know each other yet. We met when you were a baby, and fell in love with each other." Later, when she is actually adopted, you can let her know, from time to time, that her daddy is her adoptive father. When she asks, or when you feel she is old enough to understand, you can tell her that she has a biological father who helped to make her, who is different from her adoptive father, and who lives far away.
Later, when your child asks where this biological father is, or why she can't see him, you should tell her the truth. The simple version is, he's in jail, or he's not allowed to see her. You don't need to feel that you have to tell her everything. You have the option of saying, "I'm not comfortable talking about that now-I'll tell you when you are older." But you will not have lied, and your daughter will know that she can trust you to tell her the truth when you feel she is ready for it.
In a way, all adoptive parents face a similar dilemma. The truth is not easy, but it is crucial that children know they can trust their parentsl. There is more written on talking about adoptions on our site (see "Talking with a Preschooler about His Adoption"), and you might also benefit from talking with a trained adoption specialist. The information on our site can help you to locate one.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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