Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Older Sibling Wants to Play Alone with His Friends | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
With two children of opposite sexes (an eight-year-old and five-year-old), how do you have one enjoy a visiting friend while making the other understand that sometimes their sibling needs space and that they are not always welcome?— Schoka in New Jersey | | | ANSWER |
November 29, 2001 | | | Dear Schoka,
The idea of "sometimes" is really hard for a lot of five-year-olds. Sometimes they are their sibling's best friend, and sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are welcome to join their sibling's other friends in playing (usually when the game calls for a third person), and sometimes they are told to scat. It's easy for feelings to be hurt.
It can also be confusing for a parent, looking on. It may not be easy to tell the difference between a game, and a real struggle. It might be, for instance, that the younger sibling's attempts to join in are actually a source of amusement to everyone. On the other hand, it might be that the older sibling is really bothered, and the younger one is getting hurt feelings. Sometimes, what starts as a game can slide, almost unnoticed, into a real conflict.
As difficult as it may be, I think that this is one time when a parent may have to step in and help the siblings. The first step is to find out if everyone is (still) having fun, or if feelings are beginning to be hurt. Second, a parent may have to make it clear that each sibling has the right to choose whether or not to play with the other one, or share his friends. At the same time, you can let your younger child know that you understand that it is hard to be excluded, and you can let the older one know that including the younger one, at least some of the time, is the kind and prudent thing to do. Everyone is happier when people share.
Finally, to soften the blow, you might plan to give the younger one some extra attention yourself, perhaps do something fun together, so that being left out won't feel quite so bad.
A children's book I really like on this subject is called Jamaica Tag Along by Juanita Havill. It tells the story of how a brother and sister learn to play together--for a while, at least.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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