Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Three-Year-Old Beats Up Her Dolls | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My three-year-old daughter has many teddy bears and dolls. She's very sweet with the bears and uses them to cuddle--but with her dolls it's a real nightmare. She does not like her dolls and she does not want to get rid of them either (in fact she always asks for them). She gets angry at her dolls, beats them, and is really aggressive with them. She didn't see this kind of behavior with us or someone else and we were wondering why she is doing this. With all her teddy bears she is so kind that you cannot believe that the same little girl can be so aggressive with her dolls. Do we have to do something about this or should we just let her experiment with her aggression? Thanks a lot in advance.— Mum of One in Antwerp, Belgium | | | ANSWER |
November 16, 2001 | | | Dear Mum of One,
As you have implied in your question, sometimes young children are very aggressive in their play because they are replaying aggressive behaviors they have seen or experienced themselves. I'd be quite concerned, for example, if a child swore at a doll, using abusive, adult terms, because she must have heard those words somewhere. In such a case, the play would be a way that the child was trying to deal with an upsetting, abnormal exposure to violence or anger.
On the other hand, angry or disapproving feelings are really a normal part of childhood--that is, every child experiences being disapproved of, and having some adult express anger or criticism at one time or another. So it's perfectly normal for that child to turn around and express those feelings towards a doll. The child is using play to deal with negative feelings, and is also in a sense practicing expressing negative, critical emotions.
The details of your daughter's behavior may help you decide whether or not to be concerned. It may well be within the range of normal play if she calls the dolls "bad," or perhaps spanks or even throws them around. (If she herself gets spanked a lot, you might consider stopping spanking, because you daughter is showing her readiness to incorporate physical punishment into her own "parenting" behaviors--see our section on discipline for more on alternatives to spanking). If you observe this sort of normally aggressive play, you don't have to do anything--simply observe, and perhaps comment at some other time when your daughter is playing more gently that it is good to see how loving and gentle she is with her "babies."
On the other hand, if she is actually cursing at them, or abusing them in sadistic ways (for example, laughing while destroying them), then you may have reason to be concerned. In that case, talking with a mental health professional may be reasonable.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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