Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Gifted 12-Year-Old Prone to Meltdowns | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My 12-year-old daughter is an extremely bright and gifted child (I bet you hear that a lot!) who has a problem dealing with frustration. She bursts into tears or becomes extremely angry when she encounters a situation that she can't master or handle. This most often happens at her piano or cello lessons, which are completely optional and her decision to take. I would like to help her learn to cope in an effective manner. She is in junior high school now and I am afraid that she will be extremely embarrassed if this happens around her peers.— Without a Clue | | | ANSWER |
November 16, 2001 | | | Dear Without a Clue,
I think that what you are describing is a very common problem. Children who are very capable in many things, often put themselves under a lot of pressure to perform at a very high standard. Because they are so often successful, they can come to believe they will be able to excel at just about anything they set their minds to. Sometimes, too, they believe that their worth as a person hinges on their ability to excel. They seem not to be able to accept "just ok"; in their eyes, either they are wonderful, or they are terrible.
Having dramatic meltdowns is also a characteristic of many children's temperament. They tend to express all emotions, whether positive or negative, with high emotional intensity. In some children, you can see this characteristic from early childhood on. It also can run in families, although I have also seen very intense children pop up in very laid-back families. The combination of high-emotional intensity and the sort of gifted-high pressure personality I described above can lead to really explosive meltdowns.
I don't have any sure-fire answers to this difficulty, but just a few suggestions:
- The fact that your daughter doesn't often melt down in front of peers suggests that she does have control over her expression of frustration, not necessarily allof the time, but when it really counts. While it is difficult to watch your child "lose it," you may not have to worry too much about her embarrassing herself in front of friends.
- You can't reasonably blame yourself for your child's meltdown tendency any more than you can take credit for her giftedness-- she is who she is. On the other hand, you may want to think about any ways in which you might be contributing to your daughter's high-pressure view of the world. Do you go on and on about her talents, perhaps conveying the impression that it is the talents and accomplishments that you love, rather than the child herself? Do you show disappointment when your daughter performs at less than the highest level? You may want to tone down your praise for accomplishments, and make sure you are giving plenty of affection for no particular reason, "just because I love you."
- Sometimes a self-pressuring child is following in a self-pressuring parent's footsteps. When you were a child, did you put yourself under a lot of pressure? Do you feel similar pressures now? While it may not make an immediate difference for your daughter, it may be beneficial in the long run for you to examine your own feelings about achievement and the value of excellence, compared to the value of accepting a person (yourself, your daughter), flaws and all.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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