Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Toddler Upset When Parents Hug | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My 18-month-old son becomes troubled and begins to cry when my husband and I hug. He also becomes upset when he notices people or cartoon characters on television hugging or dancing close. When this occurs I try to assure him that what is happening is nice but he doesn't understand. Can you offer any advice?— Mimi in Smyrna, GA | | | ANSWER |
November 7, 2001 | | | Dear Mimi,
Most toddlers don't like it when their parents hug, because they feel excluded. They much prefer three-way hugs in which they get to be in the center. But, it's good for children to learn that they are not always the focus of all attention. In the end, children feel more secure when they know that their parents have their own relationship, which doesn't depend on them.
My guess is that your son may have learned that by fussing, he effectively diverts your attention away from each other. The behavioral scientists teach that any behavior, positive or negative, only persists if it results in the child getting a reward of some kind. In the case of a child who cries when his parents hug, the reward is the attention the child gets, and also the fact that the hugging stops.
If this is what's going on with your child (and of course, I can't really know without actually observing your child, and finding out much more about your family), then there is a simple, effective solution: ignore the crying while you hug. Make a pact with your husband: while you're hugging, and right afterward, you'll pretend that you don't notice your child fussing at all. You won't scold him, or try to comfort him. As soon as he stops fussing, you'll go over and play with him, or give him some other positive attention. In this way, you are rewarding the stopping of the crying, not the crying itself.
Generally, what you can expect in situations like this is that the crying will intensify at first, for a couple of days, and then quickly tail off and stop. After that, I suspect your child will stop fussing when you hug, and probably when he sees hugging on TV, too.
The one pitfall to avoid is if one of you is too tenderhearted to actually follow through with the plan. If you give in to the crying, even just one or two times, you teach your child that if he cries long enough and hard enough, he'll eventually be rewarded. This is the very lesson you don't want to teach. So, before you go about a program of planned ignoring, be certain that both you and your husband are prepared to see it out.
Ignoring a crying child is not easy, and it may seem cruel. However, you are not ignoring all crying, simply the inappropriate fussing that has become a negative attention-getting habit. Ignoring is the best way to help your child learn more positive behaviors, which will leave everyone happier in the end.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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