Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Teaching Sexual Values without Undermining Family Member | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I am the mom of two boys (ages 9 and 11) and the step-mom to two boys (ages 11 and 12). My stepsons' mother just informed us she was 3½ months pregnant. She is not married and the boys do not have a relationship with her boyfriend. I am struggling with the issues of premarital sex and responsibility and would like to know what to tell all four of our boys. We just had "the talk" with the older boys and I would feel like a hypocrite telling them the "right" things to do. At least that's how I feel. I would like them to grow up to be responsible men, get a good education, and careers. Now I'm afraid they will throw all this out the window because she had a baby out of wedlock. Please help.— Mrs. S. | | | ANSWER |
November 13, 2001 | | | Dear Mrs. S.,
I think that you can stay true to your convictions without sacrificing your relationship with your stepsons' mother. The key is to separate out your beliefs about premarital sex from your judgment (and hopefully, your acceptance) of the woman herself. In other words, you can say "I believe that premarital sex is a wrong thing to do," but at the same time you need to acknowledge two things: (1) You can disagree with something somebody does, while still maintaining your basic respect and even regard for that person; and (2) having a baby, whether married or not, involves making some complicated decisions. Although you can disagree with premarital sex as a matter of principal, you have to be very cautious before passing judgment on another person's actions when you can't possibly know all of the facts and circumstances.
By having this kind of discussion with your boys, you teach them a few good lessons. First, that you do not approve of premarital sex and having babies out of wedlock; second, that it's up to each adult to make decisions for himself or herself, but not to judge others according to the decisions they make (even though you disagree in principal); and third, it's possible for you to disagree with things that different family members do, while still staying loyal to them as family members, even if what they have done is a serious breech of your personal values. Your stepsons' mother is still their mother. They still need to love and respect her, despite her personal decision to have the baby.
These are difficult lessons, and will probably take a lot of talking. If you can pull it off, though, your boys will grow up more thoughtful for the effort, and (I would bet) no less responsible when it comes to managing their own personal lives.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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