Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Eight-Year-Old Upset with Custody Arrangement | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My housemate Wendy has an eight-year-old daughter, Jessie. Jessie spends most of her time with her maternal grandparents. Sometimes she spends weeknights at our house and occasionally a weekend, but there is no set schedule. There is a lot of conflict between Wendy and the grandparents, and Jessie is aware of this. Jessie has been having trouble in school (there is talk she will have to repeat the third grade) and frequently wets the bed. Recently Jessie told Wendy that she is not sure she wants to live with her anymore. Wendy is planning on moving 150 miles away next year and to take Jessie with her. Wendy is very upset. What do you suggest? How can this odd joint custody arrangement adjust to fit Jessie's needs?— Helpless Housemate | | | ANSWER |
November 13, 2001 | | | Dear Helpless Housemate,
One of the hardest things for children of divorced parents to handle is when there is ongoing conflict between the parents. Then the children feel torn: if they are loyal to one parent, they feel disloyal to the other. They are in a no-win situation. In the situation you describe, it's possible that Jessie is feeling some of the same pressures. This could certainly affect her ability to concentrate in school. The bedwetting could be another sign of emotional distress (although it's still important to get a thorough medical evaluation to make sure there is no underlying infection or other treatable problem.)
The solution to this problem has to begin with Wendy and her parents. They need to work out their differences for Jessie's sake, just as divorced couples need to work very diligently to maintain a reasonably polite, cooperative relationship for the sake of the children. Your letter suggests that Jessie feels an emotional attachment to both her mother and her grandparents. A first step in helping Jessie to feel more comfortable is for the adults to recognize that this is the case and to resolve to do what they can to nurture those attachments. Wendy and her parents don't have to become best of friends. But they do need to acknowledge that they are all important to Jessie and work together on her behalf. Once this understanding is in place, the details of how Jessie will divide her time can be worked out.
It is critically important that Wendy and her parents get together behind Jessie's emotional well-being. If the adults can't seem to make progress, then they would be wise to seek help from a family therapist, psychologist, member of the clergy, or behaviorally-trained pediatrician or family doctor.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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