Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Three-Year-Old Wants a Father | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I am divorced and raising my 3-1/2-year-old son on my own. His father wants nothing to do with being our son's father. I have noticed that my son lately has been asking about "daddies." He wants to know where his daddy is, and I notice him watching other children at the park playing with their daddies. This just breaks my heart, and I really worry about my son's future. Since I don't know for sure if or when he will see his father, I simply tell him the truth: I don't know when we will see him again.
I am not dating anyone at the moment and don't have any male friends. My son spends most of his time with females: teachers, my friends, my sister, etc. Even his grandfather and male cousins are in different states, so he rarely sees them. Do you have any suggestions or advice on this situation? Should I be concerned? — Menley in Portland, Oregon | | | ANSWER |
November 7, 2001 | | | Dear Menley,
From the tone of your letter, and your concern, it seems that you are providing your son with what he needs most: a loving parent, who is sensitive to his feelings and tells him the truth. It also sounds as though you are well supported with friends of your own, even though none of these happen to be male, and that your son has access to at least a few different supportive adults. With this foundation chances are good that your son will be OK psychologically.
Even so, not having a father present is likely to be difficult. From about age three to about age six, little boys have a keen interest in observing men--usually, but not always, their fathers--in order to figure out what it is that men do. Fathers tend to play with their sons differently than do mothers (not better or worse, but different), so it is understandable that a little boy would take a keen interest in observing fathers at the park. It must look like a wonderful thing to have a father.
Three-year-olds are prone to believing that they are the center of everything that happens-and therefore at fault for anything bad that happens. It would be normal for a three-year-old in your son's position to imagine that it's his own fault, somehow, that he doesn't have a father (at least one present).
Telling your son the simple truth--as you have done--is a wise policy. It allows your son to rely on you with trust. You also might remind your son, even if he doesn't ask outright, that his father being gone is not due to anything your son did or didn't do--that it's the father's decision.
Since it is important for boys to have a male figure to look up to, try to find a relative you admire--perhaps the grandfather or an uncle--who is willing to make a special commitment to your son. That does not mean necessarily visiting often, but that when visits do happen this relative makes an effort to spend time with your son, so that they can develop a relationship. In between visits, a phone call, email, or letter now and then will help keep the connection fresh. You can help by having some pictures of this special person around the house and telling your son about him from time to time.
As your son gets older, he will probably want to know more about his father. I think that the truth is almost always easier, in the long run, than lies or simply not knowing anything. The divorce section on our site has more ideas about how you can handle these complex issues in a way that is most supportive for your son.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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