Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Slow to Warm Up to Strangers | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have a four-year-old son that when someone he doesn't know, such as someone at the grocery store or a receptionist at the dentist office, tries to talk him, he will try to hide behind me or will start throwing a tantrum. Some of the time he doesn't acknowledge the person has said anything to him or he will yell back at this person. After he feels comfortable with someone he has no problem communicating with them. He hasn't had this issue in a group as long as he isn't the "center of attention." He does deal well with other children. When I talk to him about this behavior he says he is embarrassed, but he can't tell me what he is embarrassed about. He lives in an environment of very social people. What can I do to break this behavior or at least help him deal with his strong emotions in dealing with new people?— dkmom in Indiana | | | ANSWER |
November 7, 2001 | | | Dear dkmom,
As a parent, it can feel awful when your child doesn't behave well with strangers. I've watched many parents and children go through the same uncomfortable situation: the child hides behind the parent's leg, refusing to make eye contact with the nice stranger bending down to say hello, while the parent mumbles some excuse and looks exasperated or perhaps a bit ashamed.
One of the best ways to understand this situation is by thinking about temperament, a child's inborn style of behavior. Parents can't control what temperament their child has. In one family, children are quite likely to have very different temperaments.
About 15 percent of children have a temperamental trait called "slow to warm up," which describes how they act around strangers. You've done an excellent job of describing this in your letter! The key is that when a child who is very uncomfortable with strangers but gets along perfectly well with people he knows, it just takes him a long time to feel comfortable.
This temperament becomes a problem in families where (as in your family) everyone else is very sociable. Then, the family is likely to feel that there is something really wrong with the child, and the child, too, will feel that he is doing something bad. But the truth is that the child cannot help the way he feels around strangers, for he cannot change his temperament any more than he can change the size of his nose. He has the temperament he was born with.
The trick to making this situation better is to accept your child's temperament for what it is and try to take away the pressure to be sociable right away. Simply explain to the nice stranger, for example, that your child takes some time before he feels comfortable with new people. Some people use the word "shy," but I think this has some negative connotations.
Children who are "slow to warm up" usually learn to act more socially outgoing by adolescence or early adulthood, although they may always feel a bit uncomfortable at first. While you are waiting for this healthy development to take place, the most important thing to do is to help your child feel good about himself and for you to accept himself for who he is.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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