Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Coping with Siblings in the Military | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
Hi. With the recent events in New York, and now our military involvement, I'd love some insight to help siblings cope with their siblings in the military. Thank you.— Military Mom | | | ANSWER |
October 1, 2001 | | | Dear Military Mom,
I realize, having talked informally with colleagues who know the military, that there are distinctly military ways of thinking that someone "outside" (as I am) may have difficulty understanding. For example, spouses of active-duty military personnel have to learn to cope with the fact that their husbands or wives have very dangerous jobs; anytime they go away, they may not return. Somehow, military spouses learn to compartmentalize, I think--to put their reasonable worries and fears into a less-visited part of their consciousness, and to carry on with their lives. This coping strategy may be harder, if not impossible, for siblings, however. For one thing, they didn't choose to have a sibling in the military; and they are not adults, with full-grown coping skills.
Siblings of young people in the military have to be worrying--Will my brother or sister be sent to war, and possibly hurt or killed? If they are near the age when they, too, could join, they may have strong, conflicting feelings between loyalty to siblings and country on the one hand, and loyalty to parents (and perhaps self-preservation) on the other.
What can you do to help? First, I think, accept your child's feelings, whatever they are. Let him know that it is OK to be worried, scared, sad, angry, jealous, resentful, proud, whatever. It's also fine to share your own feelings, although perhaps you will want to shield your children from the intensity of those feelings. For example, it's a good idea to let your child know that you are sad or worried. But your child does not need to see the full extent of your emotions, as he may take it upon himself to take care of you, or "protect" you by bottling up his own feelings. A child should not have the burden of having to take care of, or worry about, a parent's emotional state.
If the military child is in fact in a relatively low-risk assignment, this would be good information to share and talk about with the sibling. If in a high-risk environment, regular letters or calls may be reassuring. To combat feelings of helplessness, it's good to have the sibling do something active, such as write a daily letter. Prayer, either individually or in a congregation, can be very reassuring. A chance to speak with other children in the same predicament may also be helpful. You may be able to find such support groups at a nearby military base.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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