Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Others Consider My Son to Be 'Spoiled' | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
What do I say to my friends who call my 13-month-old son a spoiled brat? My son has always been a high needs child and since the recent terrorist attacks he has been more intense and moody. His daddy went away in the wake of all the recent events, which has been a very emotional time for his intensely emotional mommy (my husband is a Marine and we had friends and family in the Pentagon and the World Trade Center).
I want to be reassuring but my friends tell me I am spoiling him and they tell him that he is such a "spoiled brat" when he has a meltdown. When I leave him with one of my friends, he protests; this has been going on since he was two weeks old! It really bothers me that they call him that and makes me wonder if they ignore him when they take care of him. What can I say to them and how much attention is too much?— Mommabear in Hubert, NC | | | ANSWER |
October 1, 2001 | | | Dear Mommabear,
It probably isn't ever helpful to think of a 13-month old as a "spoiled brat." Those words imply that the there is something wrong with the child himself, rather than there being a problem with the child's behavior. A young child, hearing himself referred to in those terms, only knows that he is being disapproved of. He doesn't know what he's done to displease his parents, or what he can do to please them.
It's more useful to think of "spoiling" as a set of unpleasant behaviors that a child has learned, and therefore can unlearn. Specifically, a young child who is "spoiled" has learned either that (1) screaming gets me what I want and need, and (2) I can't tolerate the tension that comes with waiting for something.
From your description, your child seems more anxious than spoiled. He started having difficulty separating from you at a very early age, and he has continued to have that problem. Your friends who care for him seem a bit fed up or frustrated themselves. Have you talked with them about how they spend the time together with your son? Have you asked them how they feel about taking care of him?
Child care can be difficult to arrange for young children, but it might be worth your checking out some other options. Probably the most important quality of a good child care provider is that he or she actually likes your child, and can convey warmth and acceptance. Can you imagine being cared for several hours a day by somebody who does not like you?
There is no one answer about how much attention is enough. In general, after the first few months, children need to start to learn about handling frustration. They need to learn to wait, and manage their own frustration or anxiety while waiting. The key is to go slowly, and only increase the amount of waiting very gradually.
Most infants can wait a few moments while their caregiver gets ready to feed them, for example. By age one, a child might be able to wait a few minutes. It varies a lot from child to child. Under stress (for example, when the father has to leave), it's normal for a child to act younger, and not be able to wait comfortably for as long as before.
So, the key is, you need to gauge for yourself how much frustration and waiting your son can tolerate right now. Perhaps let him experience just a little bit more than he is completely comfortable with, and gradually stretch out the time. So, if he demands a toy, or to be picked up, let him wait for a few seconds, but try to respond before he loses it completely. See how long you can let that waiting time be.
In times of crisis and high stress, it's also perfectly fine to just do what's comfortable, for both of you. If that means that you do a whole lot more holding and comforting, go ahead and do that, and don't worry. The more safe and secure your child feels, the more he'll be able to progress emotionally and developmentally.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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