Ask Dr. Jana Loss Hits Eight-Year-Old Close to Home
QUESTION
Dear Dr. Jana, I have an eight-year-old daughter whose best, best friend's father was in the World Trade Center. It now looks as if there is no hope of finding him alive. We've started to tell her we are getting a bit worried that her friend's dad has not been found, but she doesn't want to hear it. How can we get her to start expressing some of her feelings?
— Jacqueline M. in New York
ANSWER
September 24, 2001
Dear Jacqueline, I am so sorry to hear how close to home this tragedy has struck for your daughter and her best friend. Yes, it's going to be very important for you to talk to your daughter and to lend her your ear and shoulder, but you need not force her to face this tough issue head-on right now. Many people still are not ready to truly grasp the finality and devastation of the situation--especially those who were directly impacted.
When dealing with a subject as tragic as this, try to allow your daughter to come to grips with what has happened, and what it means, at her own pace. As well as paying close attention to her emotional (and physical) needs during this time, acknowledge her need to deal with this in her own way. It may be that she wants to spend time with her best friend or other friends instead of talking to you, or she might feel like expressing herself in artwork or a journal.
In the meantime, you may also want to consider getting in touch with the mother of your daughter's best friend, to offer support to her and her family. It will give you a way to reach out and help, and you'll be able to model for your daughter how friends help each other through hard times. Doing so may also help your daughter move closer toward accepting what has happened.
There will most likely come a time when your daughter is able to officially recognize the death--perhaps at a funeral or memorial service. These rituals help adults and children alike come to grips with the reality of death and can lead as a natural stepping stone to discussions about your religious or spiritual beliefs. Turning to your faith may be a good way to offer her some explanation that can serve as a source of comfort.
If your daughter continues to refuse to discuss the subject, if she doesn't gradually move toward a grasp of the horrible reality, or if she doesn't handle reality well when it finally does sink in, please don't hesitate to seek professional guidance.
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