Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Child Wants to Stay Close to Mom | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I don't know how to respond to my seven-year-old boy about the recent act of terrorism. Since then, Randy has been asking to sleep with me. Last night he wanted to put a mattress next to my bed, and he does not want to go to his BEST friend's sleepover this Friday. Should I make him go? I think that he will be sorry if he misses it. Also, how do I answer his question: What exactly is terrorism? Each answer I give only leads to more difficult questions. I don't think that I am doing to well with this one. And exactly how long do I allow him to sleep in my room without it becoming a disadvantage for him? Hope I have not thrown too much your way.— Ywchula in Norfolk, Va. | | | ANSWER |
October 1, 2001 | | | Dear Ywchula,
There is no one best answer for how long you should let your seven-year-old sleep in your room. It depends a lot on how extensively he was exposed to the terrorist events (for example, do you live near Washington, D.C., or New York City? Do you know people who were killed in the attack?). It also depends on your child. Is he usually a sensitive child, who tends to worry or feel anxious, or is he usually more carefree? You probably have the best sense of anyone what your child's emotional needs are, and if you set out to give your child all the emotional support he needs (but not more than he needs), then you are almost surely going to make the right decisions.
On the specific question of how long he should sleep in your room, I would answer, "As long as he needs to be right in your room in order to feel safe at night." In other words, it's not a question of picking an arbitrary time--say, three nights, or three weeks--and then demanding that he sleep in his own room after that. It may very well be that you sense, after four or five nights, that he really is feeling more secure and is able to go back to sleeping on his own. That's when you should let him know that he needs to be back in his own room. If two or three weeks go by, and you still feel that your son is far too anxious to sleep on his own, and particularly if there are other signs of anxiety (such as avoiding leaving you to go to school; having frequent headaches or stomach-aches; or having new fears), then it might be that your son is having a more serious negative response, and may need the help of a mental health professional.
If you look through the other "Ask Our Experts" questions and our collection of articles on the terrorist attacks, you'll find many ideas on how to explain terrorists and what they do to children. The topic is obviously a tough one--tough enough that many individuals and governments have difficulty defining it.
For a seven-year-old, it's probably easiest to start with the specific example at hand: Some people, called terrorists, took over a few airplanes and used them to destroy buildings full of people. If your child persists in asking for a definition, you might explain that terrorists kill people and destroy things in an attempt to force a government to change it's policies or to gain attention for their cause. You can emphasize that the way terrorists try to get what they want is wrong. You could talk with your son about other non-violent ways the terrorists might have acted to reach their goals.
As with any tough issue, when talking about terrorism with a young child, a good rule of thumb is to supply short answers to the specific questions he asks and not to give too much information. As the child becomes ready to take in more details, he will ask for them. In this way, you avoid overwhelming your son with information that he can't understand.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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