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 Ask Dr. Jana
Making Sense of Terrorism | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Jana,
How do we make sense of what has happened with U.S. terrorism? I don't want to scare my kindergartener, but she's hearing from older kids about what's going on. I told her she could ask me anything about it. We are planning a flight to Disneyland in October and all her grandparents live about 1½ hours from NYC. I just keep reassuring her that this is a rare occurrence and that everyone we know is OK. We talked about how the bad people that did this don't value life and don't believe in God. And thank goodness there are more good people in the world than bad. Any other tips or pointers would be most helpful. Also, we were planning a day trip to NYC at Christmas when we are visiting grandparents. Should we still do this?— Falcone3 in Fayetteville,AR | | | ANSWER |
September 12, 2001 | | | Dear Falcone3,
Like you, I think everyone across the country is trying to make sense of what has happened, and having to explain it to our children only makes this task harder. You have been very wise in your open and frank approach with your daughter; it is crucial for parents to discuss any questions or concerns that their children might have. In addition, it is extremely important that you reassure your child that the people that make up her world are safe and sound.
You are right that even very young children will inevitably hear about these attacks from other children (probably with many inaccuracies). Empowering your child with the answers to her questions and concerns is the best thing you can do.
In terms of scaring her, I would suggest that you focus on the details she wants to know about, offer honest but simple explanations, and then wait for her to take the lead as to whether or not you need to offer more details. In all your discussions, remind her that you and other grown-ups are working hard to ensure her safety.
Until children reach the age of seven or eight years, it is not likely that they will be fully able to understand the true meaning of death, much less the magnitude of what has happened in the recent disasters. This is a good time to offer your daughter concrete answers, as you have done by talking about how there are bad people in the world and that people do die. If it fits with your religious beliefs and think it might comfort her, you can also discuss heaven with your child and maybe even pray together for the victims.
A good way to address the issue of who did this, as well as who is not responsible, is to give your child the example of a classmate who, in anger, has done a very bad thing such as hit a teacher. You can explain that while it is OK to be angry, it is not OK to lash out as a means of coping with anger. Additionally, remind your child that just as the entire class is not to blame for one person's bad behavior, the same is true of whichever ethnic, racial, or religious group the terrorists belong to.
As for your trip to NYC at Christmas, frankly, I can?t offer you a definitive answer. It could be a time to replace sad associations of New York with new, happy memories, or it could just be too soon to visit a place that has seen so much recent devastation and loss. I advise waiting a bit to see how your family feels after the initial sorrow and shock have worn off.
All of us at The Dr. Spock Company are directing our efforts at providing parents across the country with additional expert advice. We already have made available several articles that I am fairly sure will be of interest to you, and will be adding many more over the next several days and weeks.
— by Laura Jana, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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