Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Hitting Baby Sister | | | QUESTION | | | | My toddler keeps hitting his baby sister. How can I get him to stop? — Playgroup in Stow, Ohio | | | ANSWER |
June 3, 2000 | | | This situation calls for one of the stock responses that all parents need to master: "I understand how you feel, BUT..."
The first part of this formula calls for understanding. It is normal for a toddler to feel extremely strong negative feelings towards his younger sibling- Hatred might be only slightly too strong of a word. These feelings, which arise out of jealousy, are all mixed up with a lot of other powerful feelings: love for you, and for the baby, too; shame at having broken a family rule by hitting; anger towards you, for paying so much attention to the baby; and fear that you will stop loving him because he broke the no-hitting rule, and because he is so angry with you at the moment.
What can a toddler do in the face of all of these conflicting feelings? He doesn't have the words to describe them, or the maturity to wait for them to pass. He has to hit someone, and since he can't very well hit you, he hits the baby.
You can express your understanding simply by saying something like, "I know you get very mad at the baby sometimes." You can't make the anger go away, but you can lesson your child's sense of shame and fear. The opposite response - yelling at your child, or shaming him more - will only deepen his conviction that he has lost your love. In that case, he might feel that he has no alternative other than to be truly awful.
At the same time you are showing understanding, you also need to stop the hitting. That is where the BUT comes in. "I know you feel angry, BUT you can't hit the baby."
Say this as you are grabbing your child's arm, preferably before he has managed to land a blow. Knowing that a grown-up is in charge gives children a sense of security. If you can hold the hand, and gently turn the hit into a "nice touch," all the better.
There is nothing you can do to completely get rid of your son's jealousy and anger, because these arise out of the real life fact that he has to share you now. Our pages on siblings have some other ideas about how you can help soften these very hard emotions, giving time for the love and friendship between your children to grow.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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