Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Sibling Conflicts | | | QUESTION | | | | My two children, ages 3 and 5, bicker frequently. While I try to let them resolve their squabbles themselves whenever possible, their arguments often escalate to yelling and then hitting. I find myself getting involved constantly. What can I do to help them resolve their conflicts peacefully and by themselves?" — Wendy in Woodside, California | | | ANSWER |
June 7, 2000 | | | The ages of your children make this a tough issue. Both are old enough to stand up for what they feel is fair (or, at least, for what they want), and neither is old enough to know how to compromise. They are close enough in age that they will be interested in many of the same things, so there are lots of opportunities for disagreement.
It's usually a mistake for a grown-up to enter one of these conflicts as judge. You almost never can tell who did what, unless there is a very obvious offense. Even then, one child is likely to feel that you have been unfair, and this feeling will spark future fights.
What you can do, however, is to set a limit on how much squabbling to tolerate. When you see a disagreement starting to turn into an argument, give your children a warning: "If you can't play peacefully together, then you'll have to play apart." If they are able to tone it down, praise them both for finding a peaceful solution. If the conflict continues to escalate, give them a time out from each other for 15 to 20 minutes, to allow everyone to cool down.
As your children grow older, their conflicts will decrease (but not stop altogether). You can help nurture peaceful sibling relations by (1) trying to make all of your children feel loved and accepted individually; (2) keeping your home a "no hurting zone" - no-one hurts anyone else, either physically or verbally; (3) being a model of peaceful conflict resolution with your spouse or partner; (3) avoiding taking sides in a sibling conflict, but rather praising or punishing equally; (5) talking as a family about peace, between countries as well as between people, and how important it is for everyone to learn how to settle disputes nonviolently.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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