Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
A 4 Year Old Who Fights With Her Best Friend | | | QUESTION | | | | My 4 year old daughter has a best friend, and tells people about her best friend, but when they are together, they fight. My daughter tells her friend that she's not her friend anymore, and the friend cries. I can't seem to explain why that's not nice and I'm embarrassed when it happens. What should I do?" — Jennifer in San Jose, California | | | ANSWER |
February 16, 2001 | | | It sounds as though your daughter is acting like a four year old. Four year olds are just beginning to learn about how to get along with other children. They have a very limited ability to take another person's point of view, so it is not at all surprising that your daughter has a hard time understanding what you are trying to teach her.
You may be able to set up the play times so that there are fewer conflicts. For example, if the disagreements usually start after the children have been together for 30 minutes, you might want to limit the playtimes to 20 minutes, gradually lengthening the time as they are able to manage it.
You might also anticipate which situations are likely to end in a fight, and really limit those. For example, if "dress-up" always ends in a fight about who gets to be Mommy, be prepared to step in and suggest another play direction, before things get out of hand.
No matter how quick and clever you are, there will be fights. It's probably best to look on these as learning opportunities. You can explain to your daughter in simple terms that she has hurt her friend's feelings, and suggest that she apologize and find something fun to do. If your daughter can do this, then the playing can go on; if she is too angry, then the playing has to stop for that day.
It may take many, many patient repetitions, but eventually, by the time she is off to first grade (if not before), your daughter should have the insight and self-control to get along much better with friends. It helps to take the long view, and work toward that goal. — by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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