Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Boy Spending Time with Gay Man | | | QUESTION | | | | What is the latest theory on homosexuality. My son was hanging out with a man who is gay and very effeminate and I don't know what, if any, influence this could have on him." — Playgroup in Stow, Ohio | | | ANSWER |
June 10, 2000 | | | This is a good question because it gives me a chance to dispel some of the many myths and misconceptions about homosexuality.
As we learn more and more about sexual orientation, it becomes ever clearer that homosexuality, as well as heterosexuality, are strongly influenced by biology. Genetics probably plays the largest role. For example, identical twins, who share all of the same genes, are much more likely to have the same sexual orientation (both homosexual, or both heterosexual), than are fraternal twins, who do not share the same genes.
Newer brain imaging studies consistently show differences between the brains of heterosexual and homosexual adults. It is very likely that these differences arise before birth. How a boy is raised probably has little to do with whether he grows up to be homosexual or heterosexual.
Since young people cannot choose their sexuality, any more than their parents can determine it for them, the most important thing for parents to do is to help their children to accept who they are, and to act safely and responsibly. It helps if you can talk with your child about sexual feelings in a matter of-fact way. It's easiest if you start this when your child is young. Even so, many children find it difficult to talk about sex with their parents. That's when another adult - a godparent, aunt or uncle, or a trusted friend - can be very helpful.
Your son probably enjoys the company his older companion for reasons that have nothing to do with the man's sexuality--a shared love of sports, or art, or nature, for example. You didn't mention worries about your son's safety in the company of this man, and from the tone of your letter, I'm assuming that you know him and trust him. If not, you should nix the hanging out - but that decision has nothing to do with the man's sexual orientation.
If your son is a teenager, he might well also have questions or concerns about his own sexuality. Many teens experiment sexually with same sex partners, as part of the general process of finding out who they are. These experiments often cause teens to feel ashamed and to worry that they might be homosexual. This worry is understandable, given the way our society treats homosexuals.
Most teens who have a homosexual encounter go on to lead heterosexual lives. Teens who find that they are consistently attracted only to others of the same sex often feel tremendously isolated by their homosexuality. This leads to a very high rate of depression, and even suicide.
All teenagers need adults in addition to their parents, who can listen to their concerns and ideas and provide information and support. This is doubly true for teenagers who are homosexual. Assuming that your son's older friend is trustworthy and sensitive, the relationship is likely to be beneficial to your son, whatever his sexual orientation ends up being.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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