Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Dealing With A Bossy 4 Year Old | | | QUESTION | | | | How do you handle a bossy 4 year old? — Beth in Chevy Chase, Maryland | | | ANSWER |
May 23, 2000 | | | Many four-year-olds can seem a bit bossy. I think this is because they are trying out their new-found ability to communicate their desires and their new sense of independence and autonomy.
As adults, most of us have learned how to let people know what we want them to do and how serious we are in those desires without being outright bossy. Four-year-olds aren't yet skilled enough in the nuances of communication to fine-tune the level of bossiness in what they say. So, a little bossiness is often normal. You can handle it by teaching your four-year-old how to ask more appropriately for what he wants, and gently correcting his bossy tone.
Now, if he is seriously bossy, that is a different story. A seriously bossy four-year-old is one who has learned to expect that his commands will be obeyed now. Where would a child get such a notion? Often I think it is from well-meaning parents who for some reason are not comfortable simply saying "No", and sticking to it.
Age four is a good time to learn that you don't always get what you want, and when a parent says "No", then the answer is "No". If, in response to your gentle but resolute "No", your child persists and escalates his demands, threatening to pester forever, yell, or be more disagreeable, I think it is important for you to limit those behaviors. A time out would be appropriate.
Young children, despite how they behave, are actually more comfortable when they know that a grown-up is in charge.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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