Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Preteens Have No Respect for Authority | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
Although my husband and I try to set a good example, my ten -and twelve- year-old boys have no respect for authority. They roll their eyes when given rules, correction, or discipline. They think all those in charge don't know what they are talking about. They just plain are not following the example set by us. They do things that they know they'll be in trouble for, then act surprised when they do get reprimanded. We are trying to be consistent, but are being met with continued rebellion. Please offer some advice.— Meanie Mom in Cleveland, Ohio | | | ANSWER |
August 24, 2001 | | | Dear Meanie Mom,
It's hard to offer blanket advice without knowing more specifics. For example, if I were seeing your boys as patients, I'd want to know what specifically your boys do that's unacceptable. Is it just a matter of rolling their eyes, do they openly defy you every time you ask them to do anything, or are they actually doing things that are dangerous or destructive of property? I also would need to know how you and your husband have approached discipline in the past. For example, do you routinely spank your boys, use time out, scold them, reason with them, and so on? How long has discipline been a problem for the boys? How do they behave with other adults (teachers, relatives, etc.) Details like these are the key to understanding and eventually solving the sort of problems you are describing.
That said, I will offer you one piece of advice, because it fits in so many cases: Very often, when children behave in unacceptable ways (rolling their eyes every time you ask them to pass the salt, for example), the natural tendency is to focus on the negative, irritating, or worrisome behavior, and to forget the positive things that the child does. So, for example, a child might be rude to his mother and father, but very polite and thoughtful towards elderly relatives or younger children. This is not to say that you should ignore all the negative behavior, only that it is often helpful to remind yourself to think about the positives as well.
This is important, because children tend to reflect the judgments their parents make of them. If you and your husband see your children as rude and rebellious, chances are they will do their best to live up to that expectation. So, whatever else you do to help get your boys back on the right path (and you can get lots of other ideas by browsing our site, and in particular the discipline section) one good first step is to think about all the positive things your boys do, and remind them that they are good kids, who sometimes act in unacceptable ways.
By balancing praise for the good against criticism for the bad--and a healthy balance is at least two parts praise for every one part criticism--you can help your boys change in a positive direction. And, you'll all feel better right away. Occasionally, I have run across parents who truly cannot think of one positive thing about their child. In my mind, this is a serious problem, that calls for help from a skilled mental health professional.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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