Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Five-Year-Old Obsessing about Things | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
Our five-year-old son has a problem with obsessing about things. He has learned some bad words from preschool and daycare and always tells us that a cartoon character said a bad word or that the words are stuck in his head. Once he gets something stuck in his head he can't let it go.
We have tried to explain that instead of using one word (for example, sh_t), we like to say poop or darn. He is not happy with "It's not a word we like to say." He wants to know the actual meaning of all the foul words he has heard. I am worried that he might be obsessing too much.
He also is one that continually talks about the same thing over and over again. (I know that he talks more when he is tired to avoid falling asleep.) Please tell us what to try next. We have tried just about everything. Do we need to seek help through an expert?— Dad and Mom are REALLY Worried in Apple Valley, California | | | ANSWER |
July 23, 2001 | | | Dear Really Worried Mom and Dad,
A lot of five-year-olds talk too much, about topics that interest them but nobody else, and they don't seem to know when to stop. A lot of five year olds become fascinated by "potty" words (this happens with younger children, too) and have a hard time stopping. Many thoughtful children reject the explanation that the words are "just bad," because they know that words always mean something.
On this score, I see no reason not to explain what swear words mean if your child is really interested. The real meanings aren't so awful, and acting as though the words are so bad that you can't even talk about their meaning just makes the words seem even more magically powerful than they are. You might say, for example, "Sh_t means poop (or BM, or whatever word you use), but it's a word that only people with bad manners use." If your son asks about the "f" word, you can explain, "f_ck is a really unpleasant word that means having sex." If your son asks about sex -- and there's a good chance he won't -- it is OK to tell him what sex is, using simple language that he can understand. For hints about how to do this, see our section on sex and sexuality.
But perhaps what you are describing is more than normal five-year-old repetitiveness. It's rare for young children to be diagnosed as having obsessions (or the psychiatric diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder), but it does happen. And, sometimes, a child who later gets diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder turns out to have been showing obsessiveness for several years beforehand.
What are some of the things to look out for that might suggest something more serious than normal five-year-old repetitiveness? Obsessive-compulsive disorder (or OCD) tends to run in families, so a family history of OCD is important. One of the hallmarks of obsessions is that they are upsetting to children; it feels bad to have the obsessive thoughts, and the children want very much to stop having them, but they can't. Often, the thoughts are anxious in nature--for example, worries about animals, earthquakes, or other dangers. Thoughts like this, or any thoughts that prevent a child from going about his normal daily activities, are concerning. If, for example, your child can't have fun with friends, enjoy a good story, or watch a really good kids' videotape without his obsessive thoughts getting in the way, this is clearly something to pay attention to.
In the end, though, it is your level of concern that is the most important thing. You signed your email "really worried." To me, that's reason enough for you to seek advice from a flesh-and-blood child behavioral expert. For tips on how to make that happen, see our section on getting help. Certainly, if you recognize your son in any of the descriptions of "causes of concern" above, you should talk with your son's doctor about arranging a professional consultation. But even if you're pretty sure he's OK, but are still worried, and even if your son turns out to be just fine (which I think is likely), it's worthwhile letting an expert assess your son and reassure you.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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