Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Bedtime Wars in Divorced Family | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My five-year-old granddaughter refuses to go to bed at night and therefore is up until 12am or 2am before she falls asleep. She is cries constantly until she falls asleep, and her mother has to lie down with her just about every night until she does. It's a battle every night. Her parents are divorced, and up until recently she was living with her father and only staying with her mother on weekends. Now it is reversed, and she is with her father on weekends. I can't sleep hearing the screaming that goes on every night. She is an only child and to me it seems she would rather be with her father. Her father lives with his Aunt and her Grandson who is two years old, and she has lots of cousins to see when she is with her father. Solution please.— Grandma Going Bonkers in Bradenton, Fl | | | ANSWER |
June 12, 2001 | | | Dear Grandma Going Bonkers,
The situation you are describing sounds like it is stressful for everyone: for your granddaughter, because of all of the changes she has had to adjust to; for your daughter, who has to fight bedtime wars every night; and for you, who has a crying granddaughter keeping her up.
While I think that five-year-olds ought to be able to sleep on their own, if that is what their parents think is best, your granddaughter's case is special. She has experienced two major changes--the divorce and the move from father's to mother's house. Falling asleep alone in bed is hard for most young children. It's hard to say good-bye to the busy world, and young children often feel lonely or scared alone in a darkened room. Most of the time, they can handle these feelings. But under stress, the challenge of falling asleep alone may be just too much.
Knowing that this is a time of special stress, you and your daughter might think of ways to make life easier for everyone. For example, what if your daughter decided (for the short term) to stay in your granddaughter's room each night reading her stories, or telling stories, or just sitting there quietly until your granddaughter fell asleep. In the short term, this would eliminate the screaming and fighting, and you could fall asleep yourself at a reasonable hour. Having more rest, you'd be better able to help your daughter care for your granddaughter. Some nights, you might decide to do the bedtime duties and give your daughter a break.
Giving this extra support now does not mean that you will always have to do it. After a while, when your granddaughter is feeling more settled, you may be able to sit for a while, then leave the room reassuring your granddaughter that you are nearby if she needs you.
In cases of divorce, the decision about whom a child stays with and whom she visits is always complex. Parents always have to consider what is best for a child in the long run not only what the child might prefer at the moment. I think it's best when the decision is not presented to the child as one for her to make--it's simply too big of a decision for a little person.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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