Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Dealing with Sibling Fights | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I am a grandmother raising three grandchildren by myself. Please tell me how to keep the 11-year-old girl and the 9-year-old boy from fighting? I have tried everything with them. I need help quickly. Thank you in advance.— Worn Out Granny in Ohio | | | ANSWER |
June 12, 2001 | | | Dear Worn Out Granny,
I have met many grandmothers who are raising two, three, or even more grandchildren. I think of them as heroes. It is an incredibly difficult job.
If I were seeing you in my office, I would ask for a detailed description of the problem. For example, what is usually going on before the children begin to fight? How do you usually respond? What usually happens as a result of the fight? Working through all of these details, we'd try to come up with some new solutions.
Since we can't do that, here are some ideas. I hope at least one of them helps you to deal with the problem:- Make two separate rooms in your home into "quiet" rooms. Let the children know that being together is a privilege that they will lose if they fight. If there are loud arguments or fights, they will have to go to their separate quiet rooms and stay there for a set amount of time--10 or 15 minutes is best. If they can then cooperate, fine. If not, it's back in the quiet rooms. It doesn't matter who "started it" or whose "fault" it was. Make sure the quiet rooms don't have TVs in them.
- Make sure the children know that your home is a "no hurting zone." Everyone is expected to be kind to everyone else. No hurting is allowed. That includes physical as well as emotional hurting.
- Look into getting a "big brother" and a "big sister" for the children. This will give them something to do outside of the home, so they are not always in each other's space. It will also give each one attention that is for him or her alone. This should cut down a bit on their competitiveness. "Big brother" and "Big sister" programs are available in many cities; if there is a social services agency in your neighborhood, that's a good place to start.
- If the fighting is part of a bigger picture of aggressive behavior--fights with children in the neighborhood or with children at school, for example--talk with the children's doctor about getting counseling for them. Children whose parents cannot raise them (for any of a large number of reasons) often struggle with emotional issues as a result. And these emotional issues sometimes show up as fighting too much.
- If you have taken on parenting duties as part of an official arrangement with a public social service agency (as is often the case), talk with the caseworker about getting some additional support for you. Many programs often respite workers who come in and relieve grandparents who, like you, are "worn out" by the constant struggle to raise children. There is no harm in asking and no shame in accepting help. It's easy advice to give, and hard advice to take, but you really do need to take care of yourself, so that you can continue to love your grandchildren for a long time to come.
For more on siblings, and helping them get along, see our section on siblings.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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