Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
New Kid Being Picked On | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
Hi, my son has had a hard time making new friends and just getting along this year at school. He is not an instigator but keeps encountering "bullies." He feels they pick on him because he is new. Even to the point of spitting chewed crackers on him on the bus. He doesn't want to be a tattle tail, yet he doesn't know where to turn. What can I do as a parent? I don't want to over sympathize with him, and we try to focus on good things, but tomorrow always comes... Thanks.— Jeni in Santa Cruz, CA | | | ANSWER |
May 23, 2001 | | | Dear Jeni,
Being the "new kid" is often tough. When bullying involves physical violence, I think that parents have no choice but to step in and end it. When it's a matter of teasing and harassing, it may be best for a child's self esteem and long-term confidence if he can learn to deal with the situation himself. Even so, there are several things parents can do to help:
- Once your son has one or two friends, he won't be quite as vulnerable to the harassment. See our article on how to help your school-age child make friends for specific suggestions on how you can nurture those friendships.
- Teach him how to respond to teasing without becoming upset. Teasers like to see that their harassment has an effect; when their victims refuse to cooperate and instead remain unruffled, the harassment loses a lot of its appeal. You can also help him to learn a few appropriately withering remarks to throw back at his tormentors.
- Talk with your son's teacher, or the principal, about ways they can help your child to fit in and make friends without calling a lot of unwelcome attention to him. For example, a teacher might decide to seat your son next to a popular, and very nice, classmate. Teachers often have a lot of experience helping out in these sorts of situations.
- Social skills training, which is provided by many psychologists, can help children develop the skills they need to make and keep friends.
- Help your child find activities in which he can feel successful: sports, science, stamp-collecting, music, whatever. The confidence and self-esteem he gets from those activities can help him weather tough times with unpleasant peers.
For more ideas, see our articles on bullying and what you can do about bullying.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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