Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Irresponsible Firstborn | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have three children, two girls ages 17 and 13 and a boy age 11. The oldest girl seems to have the most trouble; she is currently not in school and has not been able to hold a job for more that a few weeks. She still does not have her driver's license. She tends to have the feeling that things should just come to her (or at least that is how I see it). What can I do to motivate this child? Nothing has worked so far.— Donna in Tucson, Az | | | ANSWER |
May 10, 2001 | | | Dear Donna,
When children have the feeling that things should come their way, as you put it, it is sometimes because things have come their way. Their parents may have given them special treatment because they believed their child was more fragile than other children, for example. When the oldest child doesn't take on the responsible child role for whatever reason, a sibling often takes over. One result is that the irresponsible child is "off the hook," for better or worse.
There are many other possible reasons why a child may appear irresponsible. Is she suffering from depression, which can make chores and other challenges seem overwhelming? Is she preoccupied with worries or anxieties? Is there a learning disability or communication problem that has made her feel she is ineffective in life? Without seeing your daughter, of course, I cannot tell which, if any, of these may be important for her.
In order to sort out these and other possibilities, it may well be worthwhile for you to ask your daughter's doctor about a psychological consultation. You might explain it to your daughter by telling her that you need some help understanding how to be a better parent to a nearly grown-up daughter. If you think about this, it is certainly true.
You were wise enough to start your question by describing your family. So, you understand how important the whole family is in shaping an individual's personality. A psychologist, pediatrician, or family therapist who thinks about the whole family and how each member interacts may have the best chance of helping your eldest daughter begin to take on more responsibility.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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