Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Traveling without Baby | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have a seven-year-old daughter and a four-month-old baby boy. My husband and I want to take a trip alone with our daughter as a chance to reconnect with her. We are thinking of going to Disneyland for a week without the baby. By the time we go my son will be nine months old and we have arranged to leave him with my mother who is a daily part of his life. I am just wondering if the separation from his mother and father will hurt him.— Mom Being Pulled in Two Directions | | | ANSWER |
July 23, 2001 | | | Dear Mom Being Pulled in Two Directions,
Wanting to reestablish a feeling of closeness with your seven-year-old after the birth of your second child makes perfect sense to me, and the trip with just you and your husband to Disneyland sounds terrific. But your instincts are giving you second thoughts about the plan, and in this case I think your instincts are wise.
Separation from parents is often very stressful for infants. Most can manage a few hours while mom and dad go off to work. After a separation of two or three days many infants are irritable and clingy for several days or even weeks. After a longer separation--several days to a week--some children show signs of emotional strain that last for months.
Why are separations so hard on babies? There is a very strong instinct that leads infants to feel comfortable when they are near their parents, and anxious when they are apart. From about six months through age three or four, young children have a very hard time understanding separations. With their immature time sense, a day or two can seem like months. They cannot understand the meaning of "soon" or "coming back" so they experience separation as being left forever.
In thinking about your particular situation, several factors stand out: a week is a long time in the life of a nine-month-old child. Nine months is a particularly hard time for separations because the old "out of sight, out of mind" phase is past; a nine-month-old remembers his parents actively, and misses them all the more.
It is positive that your son knows his grandmother well. If he is used to having her take care of him for long periods of time, this will almost certainly make any separation from you easier. Still I would predict that your son would find it emotionally very hard to "lose" the three people closest to him (he would experience your going away as a loss, even though of course it isn't).
I was struck by your use of the word "reconnect." The connection between an only child and her parents can be especially strong; the birth of another child seems to threaten it. Indeed, your connection with your daughter will have to change. You all will need to figure out how you can feel close to each other, while including another small person.
Doing special things with your daughter, that only a "big kid" can do, will help. You can undoubtedly think of many such activities that don't involve leaving the baby for long stretches of time. If your heart is set on Disneyland, why not take your baby along? There are two adults, so you can take turns minding him. Or, if you can afford it, why not ask his grandmother to come along? She can watch him while you have the time of your lives with your daughter, and he can have the security of seeing you mornings and evenings.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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