Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Talking about Menstruation with a Preteen | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My daughter is nine, and I've noticed she is starting to develop breasts and is also becoming emotional over little things. What I am wondering is if I should explain periods to her now or not, and how do I go about it without frightening her.— uncertain mum | | | ANSWER |
May 29, 2001 | | | Dear Uncertain Mum,
Most girls get their period when they are between 11 and 12 years old, but it can be as early as 9 or as late as 16. Usually the first menstrual period (menarche) starts about two years after breast development begins, so you probably have some time before your daughter starts. Still, it's a good idea to begin talking to her about it early.
Starting the discussion now gives you an opportunity to get some basic concepts out on the table, before the expectable adolescent need to be "cool" and the heightened self-consciousness of adolescence make communication more difficult. You want your daughter to know that you are comfortable talking about body changes including sex and that you are interested in her thoughts and questions on the matter.
The topic of menstruation might come up naturally in the context of your child's changing body--for example, when you go shopping for deodorant or bras. A good place to start is by asking your daughter what she already knows about menstruation. Many schools offer health classes (usually in 5th or 6th grade), but even so you can't assume that your child has really understood what's going on, so you need to ask.
You mentioned that you are concerned talking about menstruation might frighten your daughter. My sense is that children are more likely to be frightened if they don't have information about their changing bodies or if they have misinformation.
The facts about menstruation, after all, are not in themselves very scary: monthly changes that prepare the uterus to support a pregnancy, and the passage of old, unneeded tissue and blood when pregnancy doesn't occur. A child who understands how menstruation and fertility go together is likely to consider the process fascinating or even awe-inspiring. Of course, most school-age kids will also consider it a bit gross, too, but not necessarily frightening. Then of course, there are practical considerations.
Practically, I do think that many girls worry that their first period will be terribly embarrassing, especially if they start bleeding when they are away from home. They might also worry that their periods will keep them from doing sports or other activities. If they know someone who has severe cramps, they might be concerned about that. Some children feel comfortable talking about their worries, others don't. If your daughter doesn't, you might ask her about the worries I've just mentioned. She might be relieved to know that lots of girls have these concerns.
You can help relieve these fears by buying some pads and showing your daughter how to use them. When she gets closer to the time when she's likely to have her first period, she might want to carry a couple of pads with her, so that she doesn't have to worry about being caught unprepared.
However you broach the subject, you'll be most helpful to your daughter if you do a little preparation beforehand. Think about your own experience growing up. What was hard? What made it easier? What do you wish your mother or another trusted adult had told you? Buff up your own knowledge about menstruation. Ask your child's doctor for a pamphlet. On the web, I found some good basic information at medem.com: search on "menstruation" and see the articles entitled "menstruation" and "menstrual hygiene products."
But you don't have to be an expert, or know all the answers, to be a real help to your daughter. The most significant thing is to let her know that you are open to talk and (more importantly) to listen.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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