Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
A Toddler's Emotional Response to Domestic Violence | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
Hello. I am a single mother of a 1-1/2-year-old little girl. She has a temper like no child I have ever seen before!! For instance she refuses to sleep in her crib. One night I put her in it and she had such a temper tantrum that she busted out one of the rails on the side closest to the wall!! We just left her daddy because he was abusive towards us. Could this be why she's like this? Or is how it was hereditary? When will this go away? What should I do to get her to sleep in her crib without hurting herself? Please Help!— Heather in Indiana | | | ANSWER |
May 23, 2001 | | | Dear Heather,
Your question is very important. Without knowing your daughter and you, I can't tell you for sure why she is acting as you describe. But I can give you some information that might help you understand your situation better:
- Being a victim of physical abuse is psychologically very damaging to toddlers. Toddlers cannot use language to help understand or deal with the overpowering feelings of fear and anger that rise up in response to the abuse. Instead, they often act out their feelings by becoming violent themselves.
- Witnessing physical abuse by one parent against another also is extremely upsetting to children. Some children respond by becoming unusually clingy. Others develop sleep problems or refuse to sleep alone. Others act out aggressively.
- Very often, parents who see their children responding in these ways wonder if the child has inherited the other parent's propensity for violence. While some children may inherit a temperament that makes them prone to acting out their emotions, they do not inherit violent behaviors. Rather, their violent behaviors are the outward sign of the angry, fearful, confused emotions they are feeling inside. These feelings arise in response to the experience of being abused or witnessing abuse.
It seems likely to me that your daughter's "temper," which she demonstrated by kicking apart her crib, is a dramatic sign of the strength of her angry and fearful emotions. Given the trauma you have both gone through, I am not surprised at the strength of those feelings.
You were very brave in getting out of an abusive relationship. Now I would urge you to be brave again and seek help and support from a mental health professional for your daughter and yourself. Your daughter's doctor may be able to refer you to a trusted child therapist or psychologist.
No one can tell you how long your daughter's disturbing behaviors will last. But with love and support things can get better for her and for you.
Last, about the crib: A crib with a broken rail is probably unsafe, because of the risk of a child getting caught between the rails or cut on a jagged end. Although I usually don't recommend that parents let their children climb into bed with them (unless they plan on co-sleeping every night), I think the most important thing right now is to help your daughter feel safe and loved. That might mean having her sleep in your bed (and dealing with getting her out of that habit later) or perhaps moving the crib--with the rail fixed--into your room so that she can be near you. A calming, predictable bedtime routine will help, too. Be sure to include lots of reassurance that you are both safe, and that you are always going to love your daughter and be with her whenever she needs you, and that you are both going to be OK.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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