Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
11-Year-Old Babysitting Younger Sibling | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have two daughters, one is eleven and the other is five. My 11-year old is very smart, is in the gifted classes at school, and has shown responsibility lately. When her dad and I go out some evenings, she feels she is too old for a babysitter. At what age can I let her stay at home alone and/or babysit her sister?— Debbie | | | ANSWER |
July 23, 2001 | | | Dear Debbie,
A smart, responsible, sensible 11-year-old could probably look after herself at home for an evening if the following conditions are met:
- She feels comfortable and safe.
- A responsible adult is within easy reach in case of emergency (for example, you aren't far away and have a cell phone with you).
- You don't stay out too late.
All of the suggestions for setting up your home and preparing your child and yourself that you'll find in our section on self care apply here as well.
But, I don't think it's a good idea for an 11-year-old, no matter how mature, to be left with responsibility for a younger sibling. First of all, taking care of a young child requires a higher level of responsibility than taking care of oneself. Second, it often puts unnecessary strain on a sibling relationship to have the older one take charge of the younger one. It is very difficult for older siblings to exercise their authority fairly, and often hard for younger siblings to accept that their brothers and sisters really are in charge. Often enough, both children end up resenting the arrangement. Not too infrequently, in an effort to keep control, the older child resorts to physical threats or even force, which injects a sour note into the sibling relationship. Of course, using an older child as a sitter is convenient, and generally nothing terrible happens; but I don't think it's ideal.
Instead, why not hire a babysitter and make it clear that her job is to supervise your younger daughter? Your older daughter doesn't really need a sitter (as long as she shows good sense and follows the rules you lay out ahead of time). But if you find a responsible and fun high schooler, for example, both children might really enjoy spending the evening with her. (Boys can be sitters, too, of course, but most 11-year-old girls feel more comfortable with older girls, and there is less of a chance of any sexual overtones.) This lets your 11-year-old off the hook as far as supervising duties go, and lets you feel confident that everyone is safe: a more comfortable position for all involved.
For short absences during the day (such as running an errand, for example), it may be very comfortable to leave your older daughter in charge. This is a good way to let your responsible 11-year-old help out and practice responsibility. If all goes smoothly, you may then feel confident letting your older child supervise for longer periods of time; but I'd still keep it relatively brief.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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