Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
When Sleeping Alone is Traumatic | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My question is regarding my stepdaughter. She is eight years old and currently lives with her Great Grandmother, Grandmother, and her 15-year-old brother in a three-bedroom home. We are currently trying to get custody. Since it is only a three-bedroom home my stepdaughter often sleeps with one of these three people. When she is with her mother, she sleeps with her mother and her mother's boyfriend. My problem is that we have just recently started getting visitation rights, and her mother and family have told me that I must allow the eight-year-old little girl to sleep with me and my husband (her father) and that because we don't, we are giving the child emotional problems. My husband and I have two other small children and feel unless in the case of extreme illness that the children sleep in their own beds. What should we do about the sleeping arrangements for the eight-year-old? I forgot to mention that she does share a room at our house with her younger sister.— Mary Brasseur in Deltona, FL | | | ANSWER |
April 10, 2001 | | | Dear Mary,
Very often, in situations where a child's custody is in question, controversy focuses on one small detail instead of on the main issues. Moving from one household to another is a big change for any child. The articles and parent questions in our stepparenting and divorce programs explore some of the stresses and offer suggestions for what parents can do to reduce them.
On the specific question of an eight-year-old sleeping alone or with someone else: Children who usually sleep alone often aren't comfortable sharing a bed, while children who usually share aren't comfortable sleeping alone. It's a matter of what the child gets used to rather than a matter of deep emotional significance. Consequently, most school-age children can change their sleeping arrangements without suffering emotional trauma. It just takes a little time to get used to doing things differently.
In my experience, school-age children who sleep with their parents often don't attach much emotional significance to the arrangement (as long as there is no sexual abuse, or exposure to adult sexual behavior). More often, it is the adults who have the strongest feelings about who sleeps where. Children who move between households learn that there is one set of rules at one house and another set at the other. Rules for sleeping are no different.
I don't mean to suggest that the transition will be stress-free for your stepdaughter. Going back and forth between houses and fitting into different families and perhaps neighborhoods is very stressful for children. Understanding how stressful the transition is, you can be supportive and gentle with your stepdaughter, which will help.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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