Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Nine-Year-Old HavingTrouble Getting Along with Parent and Classmates | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have recently been forced to deal with a problem that my nine-year-old son is having. I've known for quite a while about his need to always be right with me, at home. I, however, didn't know that this was becoming a social problem at school. His teacher has just informed me that he is arguing a lot with his peers and that it is causing him to be left out. He is such a sensitive child, and I just don't understand where this all comes from or, better yet, how to correct it. It is so bad that when I tell him not to argue with me, he argues about arguing. He is an intellectually advanced child, would that have anything to do with it? I really hate the thought of him being isolated for many reasons but mostly because I fear it will lead to many other problems. Any ideas on how to approach this? Does he need help that only a professional can give? Any comments would be greatly appreciated!— Missi in Boiling Springs SC | | | ANSWER |
April 10, 2001 | | | Dear Missi,
I think you are wise to consider getting professional help for your son. Many children give their parents a hard time but get along well and succeed in school. Problems that occur both at home and at school are more concerning. A child who argues a lot with peers and gets left out of peer social activities is at risk for having real self-esteem problems. These problems can lead to depression or negative acting out.
Children can easily get caught in a vicious cycle: Because they are left out, they feel angry and resentful and also inadequate; all of those feelings make it harder for them to make it socially with peers. The more they fail with peers, the harder it is for them to get back on track.
Your child is intellectually bright. Bright children sometimes have a hard time getting along because their interests are different from their peers', and they may be bored in class a lot of the time. It's common for children to have uneven development; that is, they may be very bright intellectually, but have difficulty with social skills. Many child psychologists and developmental specialists are trained to help children develop social skills (this kind of therapy is called, not surprisingly, social skills training). This can be very helpful for children who want to be liked but have a hard time knowing how to fit in and get along.
Finally, it is often very hard for parents to help their children with peer problems. The parent-child relationship, with its inevitable tensions and complicated feelings, often gets in the way. It's hard for many parents to deal with the fact that their child is having social problems. You are brave to look this problem square in the eye and take action early, before it gets worse.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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