Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Concerned about Introducing Seven-Year-Old Son to Boyfriend | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I am a mother of a seven-year-old boy and recently started dating a man who feels I am doing an injustice to my son by limiting the contact between the two of them until the status of our relationship has been determined. He feels that there is no harm in allowing my son full access to any man that I date even if the relationship were to not work out.
Up until this point my son has not met any man that I have dated and has no relationship whatsoever with his father. Are there psychological concerns in allowing a child to become attached to someone that has not yet been determined to be a part of your family? I would greatly appreciate a response to this as we have had many discussions and he feels he can provide proof that there is not harm in allowing this, whereas I fell strongly that harm can come from allowing a child to bond without knowing where the relationship is headed and if a future is there at all.— Responsible and Proud Single Mom in Sherwood, Oregon | | | ANSWER |
April 2, 2001 | | | Dear Responsible and Proud Single Mom,
Your question and your reasoning make perfect sense to me. Many seven-year-old boys would jump at the chance to have a "father," even boys who were being raised by a sensitive and loving mother. A boy who pinned his hopes on a relationship that fell apart would be sorely disappointed and quite possibly hurt emotionally.
A seven-year-old might also feel resentful towards a man who "steals" the attention of his mother and interferes with all the comfortable routines of his life. I suppose that most children feel both ways--hopeful and resentful--when a potential stepparent arrives on the scene. If the adult relationship then dissolves, the child may feel a confusing mixture of relief, sadness, and guilt. For more on these reactions, see the articles in the stepfamilies and fathering sections of the site.
Your letter didn't mention any other important men in your son's life (for example a special uncle, a grandfather, or a non-romantic male friend of yours). Having such a relationship might make the issue of the new boyfriend's relationship with your son a bit less highly charged and might also reduce some of the pressure you might be feeling to find a father for your son.
From the tone of your letter, it seems to me that your relationship with your boyfriend is really quite recent. It makes sense to let the relationship mature before you involve your son. You will know when it feels right to you to allow your son and your boyfriend to get to know each other. In the meantime, I hope you will continue to let things develop at a pace that allows you to feel comfortable.
I wonder, too, if you are completely comfortable with the way your boyfriend has been dealing with the issue. It's one thing to make one's feelings known. It's another thing to try to "prove" that your way is right, and the other person's way is wrong. Does it feel to you that your boyfriend is acting in an overly-controlling manner, or is that something I have read into your letter? Early in a relationship, in particular, I think it is important for a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to show a great deal of respect toward the parent's committment and competence as a parent. After all, that is a big part of who you are.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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