Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Hard to Watch Boyfriend Cater to His Daughter's Every Whim | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My 38-year-old boyfriend is divorced with a five-year-old girl. He gets her every other weekend and one night a week. Here's the problem: She has no set bedtime and demands things from him all the time that she can do herself. Example: She took a shower, went and sat on the couch to watch TV (in a wet towel,) and screamed and screamed for him to get her some underwear to wear.
Now I have no children of my own but I do know the basics. He shouldn't be giving in to her every 'want.' I need a way to discuss this with him without him getting defensive about his 'little girl.' He does know that he needs to change these things but won't do it. He even laughs when she does things like this. Please help!! We have been together for 10 months, and we haven't made any clear decisions on my role with her (discipline, etc.). When these things happen, I find myself getting angry with both of them. Not so much her but definitely with him!— Frustrated Girlfriend in Mobile, AL | | | ANSWER |
April 2, 2001 | | | Dear Frustrated Girlfriend,
Problems involving divorced parents, their new partners, and the children from the failed marriage are almost always complicated, and yours is no exception. There are really two problems here, as you have described so well. One is the problem of your boyfriend's relationship with his daughter. The other problem (and actually the more pressing) is how you two, as a couple, are dealing with problem number one. If you can think of these problems separately, I think you'll be able to move ahead more easily.
As a first step, you need to agree with your boyfriend that there really is a problem, not with him or with you, but with how you two are dealing with the situation. Plan a time to talk together when you can both relax and take as long as you need. Agree that you are both going to listen without interrupting and without passing judgment.
The purpose of the talk is to let your boyfriend know how you are feeling and to learn about his thoughts and feelings. Even though your ultimate aim is to get your boyfriend to change how he deals with his daughter, it's best to put that goal aside for the time being. If there is going to be change, it has to come at the end of a process that begins with non-judgmental sharing.
In order to avoid putting your boyfriend on the defensive, think carefully about the words that come out of your mouth. Use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, you might say, "I feel unsure of how I should respond when your daughter kicks up a fuss. Should I just stand quietly by, or should I step in? I feel frustrated. I want you to understand how difficult my position is." Use your own words, of course. If using "I" statements sounds awkward at first, practice. Write down what you want to say, then read it back to yourself.
You need your boyfriend to understand that you are feeling bad. It's likely that he is in a tough position, too, caught between the demands of two people he loves--his daughter, and you. You need to listen to him without judging or being defensive yourself.
If the two of you can agree that there is a problem, you can begin to work constructively on a solution. Perhaps it will be that you take a more active parenting role. Perhaps it will be that you will stay quiet at the time but express your opinion later, when you and your boyfriend are alone together. Whatever you decide, you should plan on revisiting the issue regularly to see if your solution still feels comfortable to you both.
If you find that you aren't making any progress, you might agree to seek the help of a professional (marriage counselor or family therapist) whose job it is to help relationships move ahead. Don't expect that solving either of your problems will be easy. Such problems almost never are. If you are both committed to your relationship, however, and to trying hard to see the issues from the other's point of view, your relationship will be stronger in the long run.
There are several articles on our site that are relevant to your situation. Look at the three articles by Spock and the Questions and Answers in the Stepfamilies section; also, look in the Divorce section and the section on family relationships, which will go up on the site soon.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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