Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
A Child Who Is Very Angry When Picked Up from Preschool | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My 3-1/2-year-old son acts very angry towards me when I pick him up at preschool almost every day. I have tried everything-- ignoring him until he talks nicely, making him go to time out when we get home, trying to hold and cuddle him and just talking to him normally, and asking about his day as if he was acting appropriately. He acts like he is very mad at me for leaving him at preschool but when he was at home with me all day long he acted bored. This has been going on for almost a year now, is this normal behavior? If so, what can I do to try and control it? And if it isn't, what do I need to do to stop it?— Feeling Beat Up Mom in Amarillo, TX | | | ANSWER |
April 2, 2001 | | | Dear Feeling Beat Up Mom,
I can only imagine how difficult, painful, and worrisome it is for you to look forward to picking your son up at the end of a long day only to be greeted by an angry little person. Without being able to see and talk with you and your son, I can't give you any specific advice. I don't know, for example, about your son's behavior at other times, his general responses to frustration or having limits set, or how he handles the rest of the school day.
In general, however, when young children show anger at "pick up" time, it is often a sign that they are having a hard time dealing with the stress of being apart from their parents. It is difficult for all young children to be apart from their parents, and some children have a harder time than others. Young children have a very poor sense of time, so a few hours can seem like an eternity. To understand how this must feel from the child's point of view, consider how you feel when someone you are waiting for is very late. At first you are irritated. Then you begin to worry. When the person finally does arrive, you feel a mixture of relief and anger. Anger can be a way to deal with the stress of waiting and worrying.
Following this logic, one approach to angry reunions is to try to lower the stress of the separations in the first place. Talk with your child's teacher, and see if together you can think of ways to help him feel more comfortable. Sometimes additional attention and special warmth from a teacher do the trick. If your child is in a full-day preschool program, you might consider switching it to a half-day program. Many preschool teachers feel that a half-day is about as long as most young children can comfortably handle. If your child is in a half-day program already, perhaps you can consider cutting down the number of days he goes a week for a period of time. Keeping from being bored can be a challenge, but the payoff may be a child who is less stressed, happier, and more secure in the long run. If your child's angry behavior continues, consider consulting a child psychologist. You and your child deserve to have joyful times together, not angry ones.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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