Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
|
|
 Ask Dr. Needlman
Six-Year-Old Son Coerced into Playing 'Secret Game' | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
Recently, I overheard our neighbor's little six-year-old boy say he wanted to play a "secret game" with my son, also six. My son didn't want to play this game and the other boy was insistent. I also overheard him say I hope your mother doesn't come in. I immediately stopped this and phoned his mother the next day while the boys were at school. When I questioned my son about this he told me that this boy wants to play this game often and that he has pushed my son down to get his pants down and that he has at times put his hand over my sons mouth and was told not to tell me. I have since stopped all contact with them and the Mother thinks that I am overreacting, but I am worried that this is not normal curiosity. The Mother was very defensive and said that they both had two different stories any suggestions? Thank you.— Confused Mom in NJ | | | ANSWER |
April 2, 2001 | | | Dear Confused Mom,
First of all, it was a good thing that your son told you what happened. He learned that he can say No to "games" that feel uncomfortable to him and that you will back him up. These lessons should serve him well in the years to come.
Sexual curiosity is normal among five and six-year-old children. Plenty of healthy children "play doctor." What makes your account concerning is that your son didn't want to play and the neighbor boy tried to coerce him.
It's possible that the neighbor boy was acting out perfectly normal sexual curiosity, albeit in a pushy and furtive way. We don't know enough in this case to know if there were any more concerning motivations at work. Children who are exposed to graphic adult sexual images (or who have been sexually abused) sometimes have a compulsion to act in sexual ways. That compulsion can also come about without any obvious external cause. In either case, counseling by a psychologist is important to help a child deal with his anxiety-charged sexual feelings. Your neighbor will have to decide whether or not her son needs counseling.
A word about suspected sexual abuse in general: Parents need to know that every county has a Department of Family and Social Services (sometimes under a slightly different name) that is responsible for the investigation of possible child sexual or physical abuse. If you suspect this is going on, it is appropriate to contact that county agency. It is then the agency's responsibility to make an assessment of the situation. The agency will not divulge your name.
In any case, I think it is wise for you to insist that if the boys do play together, they keep within your eyesight. Apart from the sexual behavior, you may decide that you don't want your son playing with such a controlling companion; a child who acts in the pushy way you describe is not acting like a good friend.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
|
