Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
4½-Year-Old with Romantic Feelings for His Mother | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
I have a 4½-year-old boy, who like many others his age, is fascinated with the human body, especially mine, his mommy. He calls me his girlfriend; he likes to rub his body against me and pats my breast. And when he kisses he opens his mouth. It makes me a bit uncomfortable. How do I explain to him that I am not a girlfriend and he shouldn't be acting that way? Not towards me or anyone actually.— Erika in Wisconsin | | | ANSWER |
April 2, 2001 | | | Dear Erika,
I think you simply tell him how you would like him to behave: "I like kisses on the cheek, but I don't like to feel your tongue." "I like hugs like this (hugging him); but I don't like it when you touch me on my chest (removing his hand)." "I'm your mommy, I'm not your girlfriend."
Setting limits like this is not harmful to a child. Rather, it teaches him that he needs to respect other people's bodies. You may have to repeat this lesson many times, because he is acting on impulses that are quite strong, but if you are consistent, your son will get the message. There is no need to be harsh or punitive, but if your son openly defies you by touching where you have told him not to, immediately after you told him, you may need to give him a time out for disobedience.
It's important for your son that you teach him these limits. Young children are most comfortable and happy when their roles as children are clear-cut. A boy who is allowed to act in an overly romantic way towards his mother is likely to become anxious, because his role is unclear. Behavior problems often follow.
Your question brings up a very important aspect of child rearing that doesn't get talked about much any more. Preschool-age boys normally have romantic feelings toward their mothers. Although these fantasies may take on a sexual form, they really don't have to do with sex in the adult sense (unless there has been sexual abuse). Instead, they have to do with the child's desire to possess his mother, so that they never have to be apart.
Often, too, these feelings come along with feelings of rivalry toward the father, who really does "possess" the mother, romantically. At the same time, of course, boys love their fathers. So, they have a lot of mixed feelings.
In the normal course of events, boys learn that they can't win the rivalry with their fathers, so they decide instead to try to be like them; in fact, they idealize them. Much the same thing happens between girls and their mothers. (See the Where Does Creativity Come From? article.) By the time children are ready for grade school, the intense romantic drives they felt as preschoolers have been replaced by an interest in learning things, playing with peers, and often by the conviction that kissing and girls (if the child is a boy) are "yucky."— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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