Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Concerned about Mother Sleeping with Son | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
What are the disadvantages as well as advantages of allowing a four-year-old boy to sleep every night with his mother? This is a single mother if that matters.— Sleepy Jim | | | ANSWER |
April 2, 2001 | | | Dear Sleepy Jim,
You are wise to ask about advantages and disadvantages. Anyone who has shared a bed with a four-year-old knows how nice it can feel to snuggle up as you drift off to sleep and how uncomfortable it is to be elbowed in the stomach by a squirmy preschooler at 3 a.m.
Sleeping with your child can seem natural and right. After all, that's how most families in the world sleep now, and probably how families have slept ever since there were families. On the other hand, there is a good reason to be concerned about a four-year-old sleeping regularly with his single mother. It has nothing to do with sex but a lot to do with relationships.
Single mothers (and single fathers, too) are often tempted to turn to their children for the warmth and support they aren't getting from the partner who isn't there. It's healthy for children to love their parents, but a young child should not be called upon to provide emotional support to a grown-up. Children do best when they have clear-cut roles. The role of a child is to be taken care of, not the other way around. When well-meaning and loving parents use their children to fulfill emotional needs that should be filled by another adult, they pressure the child to take on a role that isn't really right for him. In the process, he loses a bit of his childhood.
This all sounds very theoretical, but it's actually very real world. For example, I remember one particular ten-year-old boy who was still sleeping in his mother's bed not because he wanted to (he'd have preferred having his own bed years ago) but because he believed that his mother needed him. Problems of blurring child and adult roles apply to other situations, as well as sleep. Children often hide their depressed feelings from their parents because they don't want to upset them. The children are taking care of the parents, instead of being taken care of themselves.
So, even though it feels comfortable for a mother to have her son next to her, I think that there is a potential disadvantage in blurring the difference between the roles of child and companion. Where a child sleeps, of course, is just one aspect of the parent-child relationship (and probably not the most important one, at that). For more information, see our Single Parenting program.— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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