Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Avoiding Meltdowns | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My five-year-old can turn from a bright, sweet child to a mess in a split second. We call it his "meltdown." During this time he is irrational, whining, crying, and plain mean (I hate you, I don't love you etc.). Usually it occurs when he is tired i.e. late in the afternoon, and generally he will fall asleep for a nap. Do you have any suggestions on how to avoid these meltdowns or how to handle him during these times?— KC in Baltimore, Maryland | | | ANSWER |
March 15, 2001 | | | Dear KC,
What you have described happens with a lot of young children. Temperament plays a role. Many children are very expressive with their emotions. They don't giggle, they guffaw. They don't frown or pout, they explode. Often, the children work very hard during the day at being good, and their teachers love them. But by the end of the day, they have simply used up all of their self-control, and they are exhausted. So, once they are in the safe and accepting embrace of their families, they just let it all hang out.
Here are some strategies that can help:
- Plan ahead. If meltdowns usually happen between four and five p.m. (prime meltdown time), put out a filling snack at 3:30, put on some restful music, and try to make the next couple of hours low-key. Some parents let their children watch a favorite children's' videotape--it may be mind numbing, but that's the whole point!
- Talk about the meltdowns when your child is calm and in control. Let him know that you understand how hard he tries to stay in control all day long and that even adults find it sometimes too hard to keep it up. Let him know that you have confidence that the older he gets, the more he'll be able to stay in control. Make a point of noticing when he does exercise even a little control (for example, yelling, but not fully losing it), and praise him mildly for that.
- Don't tolerate abusiveness. It's OK to lose it (we all do sometimes!) but not to make everyone else in the family miserable in the process. If he has to let his anger out, he can take himself to his room or some other private place, and return when he's back in control of himself. With a five year old, you might go with him to his room, so he doesn't have to be alone with his upset. The point isn't to punish him but rather to teach him to respect other people's feelings.
- Finally, set a good example. You don't have to be perfect. It's OK to be upset. Let your child see how you handle being upset without falling apart. Express your emotions in words, so that he can see how it's possible to let out frustration and tension without blowing up.
— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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