Dr. Robert Needlman
Specialist in pediatric behavior and development.
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 Ask Dr. Needlman
Helping Children through the Anniversary of September 11 | | | QUESTION | | | Dear Dr. Needlman,
My son was too young to understand what happened on September 11 last year. With all of the anniversary programs being advertised on TV, I'm concerned he is going to have questions. What should I tell him?— Tracynva in Warrenton, VA | | | ANSWER |
September 10, 2002 | | | Dear Tracynva,
Thankfully, for most young children the events of September 11, 2001 have lost much of their emotional intensity. Other children--those who were physically near to one of the sites of destruction, who had personal connections with the victims, or who watched the explosions on television again and again--might re-experience strong negative reactions at this one-year anniversary. The same is true, of course, for adults.
Children who were too young to understand what happened a year ago might now be old enough to notice that something really big is absorbing the attention of the grown-ups around them. They're likely to be curious, and they may well pick up on the emotional tone of sadness, grief, and anger. In particular, if you find yourself having a powerful emotional reaction, you can be pretty sure that your child will pick up on those vibes.
It's likely, too, that you'll be tempted to avoid the issue when dealing with your young child. But this would be a mistake. If nobody tells a child what it's all about, there's a good chance he or she will create an explanation from stray impressions and bits and pieces of knowledge. In some cases, these made-up explanations may be even more frightening than the reality! (For example, a child might think that anytime people get really angry they blow up buildings.) So, it's wise to deal with the issue in some way, even though it's natural to feel uncomfortable about it.
How can you tell if your child is upset or worried about the attacks of a year ago? Children with well-developed verbal skills might ask about particular aspects of the tragedy--for example, the buildings that fell down or about the firemen who died. Other children might play out their worries. For example, they might make an airplane crash into a block tower over and over, or have to fight off an endless stream of monsters or "bad guys." If you notice an increase in this sort of play in the coming weeks, it's a good bet that your child may be dealing with some scary thoughts linked to 9-11. Playing like this is one way children try to handle their fears, by imagining that they are big and powerful.
For most young children, their fears will center on two core questions: "Will I be OK," and "Will my mommy/daddy be OK so they can still take care of me?" As an adult, these fears might seem illogical in relation to an event that happened a year ago, but preschool-age children (and older children, too, if they are worried enough) have a very illogical sense of time and space. Events that were hundreds of miles away and a year ago can seem to a small child like immediate threats here and now. Scared children need most of all to hear that their parents are OK, and can take care of them and keep them safe. And, they often need to be reassured again and again.
What to tell your child will depend on your child's age and development. It's always best to be truthful, but also to make the message simple. You might say, for example, "We're remembering a very sad thing that happened a year ago. You know how we remember happy things, like birthdays? Well, we also remember sad things." After this simple statement, you can simply stop. Let your child take time to think about what you said. If you rush ahead into a more in-depth explanation, you run the risk of overloading your child's ability to listen and take in what you're saying. When your child is ready for more information, he or she will ask for it.
The next question your child asks might be, "What happened?" Then you might explain that many people died a year ago because some other people did a terrible thing, and caused two big buildings to fall down. Again, if you can, wait before you give more information; give your child a chance to think and ask when he or she is ready.
Your child also may ask you, "Why did they do this?" I think it's fair to say that nobody knows for sure, but that there is never a truly good reason for that kind of violence. Some of the people may have thought that by killing people in the United States and destroying buildings that they would somehow help their own country. But they were wrong. Violence never makes people happier or safer. People--grown-ups and children alike--need to learn how to solve their problems by talking, not acting violently.
This discussion may well lead your young child to ask some questions about death. Death is a fact of life that all young children think about, at one time or another, and try to understand. You don't have to worry that a child's curiosity about death is a sign of emotional disturbance. There are approaches to talking with children about death that can help you feel more comfortable.
A final word of advice: Now is a very good time to limit your child's TV viewing. There are sure to be many powerful, upsetting images on television in the days and weeks to come. A year ago, many children were traumatized by watching footage of the attacks over and over. A present-day child, who sees that footage is once again vulnerable to having the same kind of emotional reaction. The fact that the actual events took place a year ago will not register. A child who does not have to deal with graphic, frightening images will actually be able to understand more than one whose fears have been fanned into flame. Talk with your young child about 9-11, by all means, but save the graphic newspaper photos and TV footage until after your child is safely tucked into bed.
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— by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. |
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